Can we talk today? And can you not judge me? This is gonna be a tough one for me. And I’m not talking “tough” like I feel guilty for eating a whole can of cinnamon rolls by myself (maybe). That’s not it.
What if I told you I’m not perfect? Oh! You already knew? Well, evidently I didn’t. There’s a perfectionism gene that gets passed down from my dad’s side of the family that is alive and well and living in me. It runs deep in my (varicose) veins.
I’ve strived for internal, heart-n-soul perfection my whole life and have felt sorry for all you other pitiful individuals who just couldn’t quite get it together on the inside. Joking…but kinda not. Forgive me.
I’ve always loved people, but somewhere deep down I’ve judged and I’ve speculated and I’ve shaken my head at the thought of how in the world you, you wretched soul, could claim to love Jesus but still make the mistakes you were making (Gasps. Hangs head in shame on your behalf).
Until…..
Yep.
It happened.
I fell from my seat next to the throne of Jesus.
And y’all, I didn’t just trip like that one time when I was 10 months pregnant and fell over the speaker while I was leading worship. It was worse than that. Because this was my choice. I chose to give up for a hot minute and dive head-first into some things that I knew were damaging to my soul. I chose to turn away from what I knew in my knower to be good and right. I turned a blind-eye to injustice that on any “normal” day I would’ve gone down swinging for. I didn’t even recognize myself. And I still can’t even believe it sometimes.
I cry writing this…
Actively.
Willingly.
Consciously.
Morally.
Spiritually.
Give me a minute to get a grip…
It was a short run compared to the rest of my life, but it felt like it lasted an eternity. It has changed me for an eternity – I promise you that. I gave up on almost everything but my wardrobe. And I hated myself and my life and I hated the consequences my choices were creating. But I couldn’t seem to walk away. All I wanted was for somebody to come and dig me out of my hole, but at the same time all I wanted was for everybody to just leave me alone. I was gloriously happy and completely miserable in my mess. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. And the shame – it had me by the throat and wouldn’t let go.
Now, all the juicy details are not important. Trust me. You can guess and wonder and draw your own conclusion. All you really need to know is this one thing…
Shame is real, but grace is realer. (Yes, I know what I just said.)
Shame almost kept me from even writing this. I said to myself, “You haven’t been out of it long enough. It was too recent. You’re a hypocrite. You haven’t paid penance long enough to share your shame story. What if you make another mistake?”
Sound familiar? Not only did shame almost keep me from writing this, shame almost kept me from living! But the grace, y’all. The grace from Jesus and from people who love me. It overwhelms me. And it overwhelms the shame.
And Hebrews 10:1-25 (whenever you get a minute) – this scripture overwhelms me too. I’m a hot mess reading it today…
Now, sit down. Are you ready? The real shame is not only in the thing – the act, but the shame is in the not repenting, and in the secret-keeping. Brene’ Brown, my new favorite author (and pretend-best-friend) says in her book THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION, that shame metastasizes in the dark. Shame grows when you keep the lights off. Luckily, I’m not good at hiding my life issues very well. I have some really great people in my life who, not only could tell I was on the struggle bus, but weren’t willing to watch me keep riding on it. A few of them threatened to throat-punch me and choke me out while helping me through my process, but they never left me. I will love them forever. Even though I willingly chose to walk through this dark place, they still didn’t leave. And once again, neither did Jesus. I finally decided I had enough and walked away…then went back in…then walked away. It was a process. But I finally had a gut-full, and this time I never looked back.
Bye.
Y’all, we are gonna make mistakes. Who knew!?! In the words of one of my sweet friends who has also made her fair share of choices she would like to forget, “It is what I did, but it is not who I am.” Look, we are gonna do the thing and say the words and have the attitude and eat the whole pizza by ourselves in one sitting (never) at some point along the way. It may be tomorrow. It may!!!
And here’s the deal, if you’re eating that whole pizza by yourself everyday and living in the dark about it and you don’t care and you’re not gonna change for nobody, no way, no how, then this particular story may not be for you. We’ll chat another day.
I’m talking to the one who is saying “Look. I love pizza. I love eating it when nobody is looking (because it didn’t really happen if nobody saw you eat it). I love (hate) how it makes me feel. But I know it’s wrong and I don’t want to be about that life. I don’t want to be that person who eats the whole pizza. I want to be the person who eats the salad.” I’m talking to you, pizza/salad-eater. EAT THE SALAD!! You can do it!! I believe in you!!
If you’re waiting to feel worthy before you eat the salad, or sing the song or write the blog or say you’re sorry or make the change, you may as well wait forever. Let me ask you something. Do you wait till you’re having the best hair day ever to go get your hair done? No!! You let that mess get funky and near-rotten till you are on the verge of partial ownership in your favorite dry shampoo company. I promise you this, your hairdresser thinks you are anything but worthy. But you go anyway – nappy head and all. And she loves you (but she’s afraid to touch you) and she makes you beautiful again.
Look, you may never FEEL worthy. But you are, because of Jesus. Christ in you makes you worthy. You’re also what we call…human. And Jesus is what we call…forgiving.
He loves us. He knows us. He made us. He’s full of grace, mercy and loving-kindness. He offers it to anybody who will accept it. What’s even better is, it starts over brand new every single day.
So, get up. Cry it out. Say your “I’m sorry’s” (even to yourself). Be brave. Admit the mistakes. You can’t skip this one. And I hear you – “Give me a cotton-pickin’ break!! That’s the worst part!!” I know. But the truth is, it’s the best part, because that’s where the freedom comes! The freedom comes with the repentance.
So accept the grace. Right the wrongs. And don’t you dare let the nay-sayers and the haters keep you from moving on. Some people will walk away. Some people will be too disappointed by your mistakes to hang in there with you. Some may even glory in your situation because it takes the spotlight off of their own mistakes. Maybe they don’t understand your ability to repent and walk in freedom. For whatever reason they just don’t seem to want you to recover. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. But it’s ok. Wish them well and keep it moving. Find the ones who will stay and forgive and hold your hand and not let go. Walk in your purpose, because YOU HAVE ONE!!! And hey, when you mess up again (like you will and like I have), read this again and repeat. Cuz that’s exactly what I’m gonna do – read this thing AGAIN, on the days I’m not feeling worthy, until I believe that I am! Because I am. And so are you.
He is. Christ in us.
Now let’s tear up that coupon for a large one-topping and go eat that salad (and for the love, could you just TRY to buy organic this time?) And hey, if you wanna have yours with a big ole glass of sweet tea and a hot fudge sundae for dessert, well… there’s no judgment here. 😉
Baby steps…
HEATHER LAND 
Beautifully written, powerful words that I definitely needed to read today!! Thank you for the laughter, and the tears!! ❤
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This. All of it. Just what I needed deep down inside this morning. Thanks for sharing and for being real. ❤️
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As I stood looking at the highly functioning stranger in the mirror just yesterday, I asked her who the heck she was. After reading your words, I see the pizza that’s right there on my plate (in the box actually). It clicked. I get it! Now some may say, I just indulged in a Personal Pan, but for me it feels like I’m a gluten standing my behind at the all you can eat pizza buffet. Shame is filling my spirit as I write this. Oh the tears (and I’m at work girl). Thank you for being brave enough to bring this to light for me. I must find the courage to back it on off the buffet and just order the salad.
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I hear what you’re saying….while I’m eating candy corn….
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I’m loving this blog,and reaching for a Little Debbie! I may have a salad to go along with it. 😄
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Thank you. I am now bawling at work, but still, thank you!
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I don’t know you, and I only came across you and your gut splitting you tubes and raw and real blog posts about a week ago but seriously, girlfriend, I love you and your heart and I feel like I wanna hunt you down and sit with you and share hearts for dayz, you speak me and my heart and to my heart and soul and that is a breath of fresh air! ! Keep being real and shining Jesus, our world needs more of you!!
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Thank you for this. It’s very therapeutic this morning. My Monday evening was nothing short of a mess thanks to lovely hormones. They just sneak up on me and wreak havoc, and then the guilt follows. Your words today have uplifted me. I’ll read it again tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll need it. 🙏
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I’ve been travelling this same sort of path the past few months and have learned some very ugly truths about myself. It is incomprehensible to me that our all-knowing God loves me and saved me when He knew before I was born what I would do. Incomprehensible, so I’ll take His word for it. He knew, and He still loves me. Loves me enough that Jesus died for me. Loves me enough that He gave me friends who have not let go of me and have spoken truth to me. Loves me enough that He keeps sending me quiet reminders of His unfailing love and truth – reminders like this lovely post.
Thank you for your vulnerability. If you feel a squeeze, that’s me giving you a big ol’ long distance hug.
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Thankful for you and your story! I have walked a similar path.. destructive.. but God’s Grace is why I live and breath.
Thankful for you.
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This was a delight to read. So much truth in what you say here. I too have struggled and deep down still do from past mistakes or mistakes no one knows about. Christ is the path we should always chose. Let the past stay in the past, live life now because now is what counts. Repent for what we have done, but do not hold onto that guilt. AMEN!!! Thank you for sharing Heather, your awesome, and your videos just make me laugh so hard…..especially the cross fitters one. God bless!
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Heather, I love you! You are so real and so honest! I appreciate you so much! You my new pretend best friend!
I struggle too with feeling worthy, I’m going to order the salad!!
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What timing! Things have happened today … not necessarily to or about me … that have caused me to question and wonder (yet again) if it’s all worth it. I know that it is and I will continue to walk in His ways but I will also continue to make mistakes and eat the candy and eat whatever is in front of me … you get it … truth is … LIFE IS HARD AND THEN WE DIE! Praise God, when we die, we will see it was worth it all. Thanks for the reminder.
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A perfect and truthful statement! Thank you!
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You really just did the dang thing!! Thank you so much for following the obedience of God, and sharing with us! Such a powerful message!
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By the way, I’ll have a salad with a few crackers… Looking forward to more of your blog’s!!
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Well you just read my mail! 😳 I’m so thankful for you writing this! Every thing you wrote is so incredibly true. It’s where I have been so many times and thankfully today I stand at the salad bar! Praising Jesus for His grace and forever giving mercies. ❤️
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Wonderful!!
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Thank you for your transparency! Sometimes we just need someone to give us permission to “eat the salad” again. God bless you Heather!!
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Here I was thinking you were just a girl making funny videos.
Nope! You’re a Grace understanding, Jesus lover, too!!!
Whoop!
Thanks for this amazing post! Right on time!!
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Thank you for sharing. So very relatable at this moment in time. Love.
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Truth.
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To thine own self be true. And, if you don’t or you can’t, look for the next opportunity to get it right. That’s all any of us can do or promise to do.
I love this post. I love your videos. Keep being you. I think you’ve got more of that perfectionist gene than ya know!
xo
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Bless your sweet heart for writing this, today, right now, so that It can speak to ME! I can’t tell you how I relate to this. All of it. I’ve watched my share of Brenee Brown videos, too. I get it.
We are just girls in the world, dodging what life throws our way, and doing the best that we can. The need to please is somehow placed in the southern girls’ DNA, so we can be so much more harsh to our ownselves than is ever needed or warranted!
I’m still working on that. Guess that will always be the case for me! Thank you for sharing your story and your heart.
Love you even better now!!! Danna in Nashville
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Love this… Definitely needed to hear these words today…thank you…
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I hate how we catagorize sin. We tend to forgive the “small stuff” but not the “big stuff”. It is by God’s grace that he forgives it “ALL”.
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Oh my word. I cannot tell you how much this speaks to my life right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. 😭
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Loved this post!
It’s so good to hear people that can be real.
I can VERY much relate & need to be reminded more times than I’d like to admit😩
I’m grateful to my cousin Cynthia M.
for introducing me to your ministry!!!!
May God continue to Bless you as you serve Him:)
RGW
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Been there. Love you. Thanks for being real.
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I just recently started following you! You are the light of my day!! I look forward to reading/watching you as you inspire us all to be better people in this crazy world!
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This was my life 12 yrs ago… But somedays it feels like yesterday. I love restoration… Repurpose..renewal. and as sad as I am when I see others having gone through or going thru a similar situation..there is a certain relief to know I’m not the only one. Trying all the time, to remember, my mess is a message for someone else…my test..though I failed at the time, has given me a testimony to share. Thank you…even months later…your message resonates and pushes me ever forward….
But I gotta wonder…is pizza ok if I use cauliflower as a crust 🤔🤔😁😁😁..
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Think you for being so real and for making me laugh! ❤
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I love this and I can totally relate to everything you said! From everything you spoke about, it makes me think we have gone through a very similar situation! Love your inspiring words and sense of humor! God bless-
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I love your down to earthness (yes I know)!! You make me think and want to do better!! Keep doing you! You’ve got this! 😍
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I so needed to hear this today! Thank you Heather! God Bless you!
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Thank you so much for sharing. As I sit here at work (on lunch… no pizza or salad today), your story really hit home. Thank you for your honesty, and encouragement.
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Boy did I need to hear this today!!
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Read and reread and reread! Those perfectionists…. are a tough sell! I know I am one. Thanks Heather for putting your story out there. The BB book was so hard to read, it took me months to get through and this reminder means I need to reread! Certainly a God thing that I “stumbled” across your blog. He’s on time, every time! Blessings to you all who read or share.
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You made my day Heather…I will try the salad today! cause Jesus knows it’s a struggle for this girl right here. I give it to Jesus everyday and he always tells me tomorrow another day girl, try again tomorrow, but I don’t give up….NEVER!
I love your spunk….keep it coming, Keep on Keeping on.
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Not only do you bring me gut wrenching pain, tears and loss of breath while laughing with your “I AINT DOIN IT” videos, but you have touched my hot mess of a heart. You make me laugh and brings tears, clarity and joy knowing that I am not the only one who feels unworthy of he grace, mercy and love Christ provides to us. Thank you for this blog, your raw ability to be real and open, to be viewed as a person who makes mistake and isn’t perfect and have her stuff together at all times. Thank you for the reminder that I will mess up, I can ask for forgiveness and start anew again.
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Soooo…I may start pretending you’re my new best friend! Thank you for being vulnerable, raw, funny, and genuine. It’s when we allow that to happen that God steps in and uses us in mighty ways! This is brave and I’m so glad you shared!
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Absolutely love this! My husband is an addiction therapist/counselor and I love that he loves walking through tough/dark places with his clients. It is so rewarding to see them come through the other side and know that Jesus loves them – still. I have had the honor and joy of walking with friends in dark places and there is nothing like it. Thankful!
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So inspirational. Love your blog.
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Son of a gun I think you just read my mind. So many things bringing me down (or more like dragging me down) this road called life. I’m in a grieving process and people around me can’t handle it. There’s nothing I ask them to do for me or change for me. I don’t cry and make myself a victim and make them feel bad because they can’t fix it. Boo Boo it’s going to take a Devine intervention and not one I put on my friends and family yet I say yet they have chosen to walk out of my life. Bye- Bye I said. Yet it still stings. But they have done me so wrong it can never be the same. Never! I don’t need people filled with hate and the enemy around me. When you send other people for me that is 100% never right. If you want some of me YOU yourself should bring it. I haven’t done anything so autrocious that they’ve got to treat me like a leapor . Life sucks for me and I’m sorry you have such a wonderful life that being around me sucks your soul out because I will never be the same. Shame on Them not ME! My heart, my soul and my mind are broken. I’m not asking anyone but God to fix me. No one has the right to judge my grief unless they have been there and none of them have. I’m going to be honest I wish some of them would eat that whole pizza and choke on it. Not for them to die but enough to where they see white and then have to come back. But no it won’t happen that way. God Bless all those that have forsaken me because really I’m a better person because of it. They haven’t made me a different person but by His Grace God has. Heather you put the real world in perspective but in such a funny way that you make me laugh so hard I cry. Thank you for that! I need to laugh until I cry everyday. God isn’t letting me go. He knows I’m trying to losen his grip but he’s saying “!it ain’t gonna happen”!
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I’m new to following you- wanted to say thank you so much for your vulnerability and transparency. I love that this was writtten with Truth and humor. Your words have encouraged me today!
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Loved this! And in my head I could hear you sayin it in your cute little “ain’t gonna do it voice”. Thanks for sharing.
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You’re my new imaginary best friend! You’re hilarious and right on the mark with Jesus!! Thanks for the videos and thanks for the TRUTH! This hot mess of a missionary needed to hear it today! Keep on truckin!
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Very Inspiring! I needed this today, thank you Heather, Keep up the inspiring and encouraging words!
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if I’m being honest, this is one of those posts that if i had looked at how long it was [no judgment] i would have scrolled past it in the oblivion of facebook post choices. God halted me and said ‘Read.this. it’s about you.’
thank you for speaking His truth in such a powerful way.
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Thank you so much for being real and sharing that!!!!!
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You just saved me from my dinner tonight, a pizza. I will not get a pizza. I will create the most beautiful salad ever and think of you when I eat it! Thank you and I love you and your messages.
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