I’LL JUST HAVE A SALAD

Posted byHeather LandPosted inblog

 

Can we talk today? And can you not judge me? This is gonna be a tough one for me. And I’m not talking “tough” like I feel guilty for eating a whole can of cinnamon rolls by myself (maybe). That’s not it.

What if I told you I’m not perfect? Oh! You already knew? Well, evidently I didn’t. There’s a perfectionism gene that gets passed down from my dad’s side of the family that is alive and well and living in me. It runs deep in my (varicose) veins.
I’ve strived for internal, heart-n-soul perfection my whole life and have felt sorry for all you other pitiful individuals who just couldn’t quite get it together on the inside. Joking…but kinda not. Forgive me.
I’ve always loved people, but somewhere deep down I’ve judged and I’ve speculated and I’ve shaken my head at the thought of how in the world you, you wretched soul, could claim to love Jesus but still make the mistakes you were making (Gasps. Hangs head in shame on your behalf).

Until…..

Yep.
It happened.
I fell from my seat next to the throne of Jesus.
And y’all, I didn’t just trip like that one time when I was 10 months pregnant and fell over the speaker while I was leading worship. It was worse than that. Because this was my choice. I chose to give up for a hot minute and dive head-first into some things that I knew were damaging to my soul. I chose to turn away from what I knew in my knower to be good and right. I turned a blind-eye to injustice that on any “normal” day I would’ve gone down swinging for. I didn’t even recognize myself. And I still can’t even believe it sometimes.
I cry writing this…

Actively.
Willingly.
Consciously.
Morally.
Spiritually.

Give me a minute to get a grip…

It was a short run compared to the rest of my life, but it felt like it lasted an eternity. It has changed me for an eternity – I promise you that. I gave up on almost everything but my wardrobe. And I hated myself and my life and I hated the consequences my choices were creating. But I couldn’t seem to walk away. All I wanted was for somebody to come and dig me out of my hole, but at the same time all I wanted was for everybody to just leave me alone. I was gloriously happy and completely miserable in my mess. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  And the shame – it had me by the throat and wouldn’t let go.

Now, all the juicy details are not important. Trust me. You can guess and wonder and draw your own conclusion. All you really need to know is this one thing…

Shame is real, but grace is realer. (Yes, I know what I just said.)

Shame almost kept me from even writing this. I said to myself, “You haven’t been out of it long enough. It was too recent. You’re a hypocrite. You haven’t paid penance long enough to share your shame story.  What if you make another mistake?”

Sound familiar? Not only did shame almost keep me from writing this, shame almost kept me from living! But the grace, y’all. The grace from Jesus and from people who love me. It overwhelms me. And it overwhelms the shame.

And Hebrews 10:1-25 (whenever you get a minute) – this scripture overwhelms me too.  I’m a hot mess reading it today…

Now, sit down. Are you ready? The real shame is not only in the thing – the act, but the shame is in the not repenting, and in the secret-keeping. Brene’ Brown, my new favorite author (and pretend-best-friend) says in her book THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION, that shame metastasizes in the dark. Shame grows when you keep the lights off. Luckily, I’m not good at hiding my life issues very well. I have some really great people in my life who, not only could tell I was on the struggle bus, but weren’t willing to watch me keep riding on it. A few of them threatened to throat-punch me and choke me out while helping me through my process, but they never left me. I will love them forever. Even though I willingly chose to walk through this dark place, they still didn’t leave. And once again, neither did Jesus.  I finally decided I had enough and walked away…then went back in…then walked away. It was a process. But I finally had a gut-full, and this time I never looked back.
Bye.

Y’all, we are gonna make mistakes. Who knew!?! In the words of one of my sweet friends who has also made her fair share of choices she would like to forget, “It is what I did, but it is not who I am.” Look, we are gonna do the thing and say the words and have the attitude and eat the whole pizza by ourselves in one sitting (never) at some point along the way. It may be tomorrow. It may!!!
And here’s the deal, if you’re eating that whole pizza by yourself everyday and living in the dark about it and you don’t care and you’re not gonna change for nobody, no way, no how, then this particular story may not be for you. We’ll chat another day.
I’m talking to the one who is saying “Look. I love pizza. I love eating it when nobody is looking (because it didn’t really happen if nobody saw you eat it). I love (hate) how it makes me feel. But I know it’s wrong and I don’t want to be about that life. I don’t want to be that person who eats the whole pizza. I want to be the person who eats the salad.” I’m talking to you, pizza/salad-eater. EAT THE SALAD!! You can do it!! I believe in you!!

If you’re waiting to feel worthy before you eat the salad, or sing the song or write the blog or say you’re sorry or make the change, you may as well wait forever. Let me ask you something. Do you wait till you’re having the best hair day ever to go get your hair done? No!! You let that mess get funky and near-rotten till you are on the verge of partial ownership in your favorite dry shampoo company. I promise you this, your hairdresser thinks you are anything but worthy. But you go anyway – nappy head and all. And she loves you (but she’s afraid to touch you) and she makes you beautiful again.
Look, you may never FEEL worthy. But you are, because of Jesus. Christ in you makes you worthy. You’re also what we call…human. And Jesus is what we call…forgiving.

He loves us. He knows us. He made us. He’s full of grace, mercy and loving-kindness. He offers it to anybody who will accept it. What’s even better is, it starts over brand new every single day.

So, get up. Cry it out. Say your “I’m sorry’s” (even to yourself). Be brave. Admit the mistakes. You can’t skip this one. And I hear you – “Give me a cotton-pickin’ break!! That’s the worst part!!” I know.  But the truth is, it’s the best part, because that’s where the freedom comes! The freedom comes with the repentance.

So accept the grace. Right the wrongs. And don’t you dare let the nay-sayers and the haters keep you from moving on.  Some people will walk away. Some people will be too disappointed by your mistakes to hang in there with you. Some may even glory in your situation because it takes the spotlight off of their own mistakes. Maybe they don’t understand your ability to repent and walk in freedom. For whatever reason they just don’t seem to want you to recover. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. But it’s ok. Wish them well and keep it moving. Find the ones who will stay and forgive and hold your hand and not let go. Walk in your purpose, because YOU HAVE ONE!!! And hey, when you mess up again (like you will and like I have), read this again and repeat. Cuz that’s exactly what I’m gonna do – read this thing AGAIN, on the days I’m not feeling worthy, until I believe that I am! Because I am. And so are you.

He is. Christ in us.

Now let’s tear up that coupon for a large one-topping and go eat that salad (and for the love, could you just TRY to buy organic this time?) And hey, if you wanna have yours with a big ole glass of sweet tea and a hot fudge sundae for dessert, well… there’s no judgment here.  😉
Baby steps…

 

Published by Heather Land

CEO of I Ain’t Doin It. Master Certified Life Coach. Tennessee girl. Wife. Mama. Cat lady. Enneagram 4. Loves to: light candles, drink coffee, drink wine, write, talk crap, watch The Great British Bake Off and dumb shows on TLC, shop, decorate, travel, eat fancy food, overthink, be real and hang out with authentic people.

171 thoughts on “I’LL JUST HAVE A SALAD”

      1. This is so good. For those of us that have been there “big” and even for the just “day to day”. So glad I found you! Thank you.

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      3. I’m not sure where you have been my whole life but girl I am so grateful to have found you now in this season! Your my pretend best friend 😂 seriously, your words are very encouraging & very much needed! Thank you for sharing!! Ps. I ordered my “I ain’t doin it shirt” but I’m open to the idea of “I can’t with you people” shirt 💁🏻👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼😂

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    2. I needed this so bad right now!! I am so glad the Holy Spirit prompted me to read this! I’m sitting here in tears. Thank you for writing this, I know it was just for me!!

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    4. Love it, just had a salad yesterday. I’m Catholic we were born into guilt. And i tell myself I’m worthy, somedays I am somedays im not ,at 60 I choose not to sweat the small stuff. God loves me just the way i am. And God has a wicked sense of humor. Much like yours.

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  3. This is amazing! We are human, we make mistakes but there’s a man named Jesus who will forgive us & walk with this. You said everything perfectly. I love you sis!

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  4. Wow, Heather! VERY Powerful! Thank you for sharing! I’m so very proud of you! Praying you continue to write, inspire, share & lead !! Love you!

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  6. “Therefore, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus…” Romans 8:1. Keep telling your story… there is healing in being heard and speaking that you are FREE!! You are NOT what you did, no matter what the world or that enemy of our soul try to tell you!!
    I love you…
    Amee

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  7. Spot on and so encouraging! Sometimes I hear that voice bringing up mistakes I’ve made and the shame tries to creep; then I hear Jesus say “you’ve been forgiven”. And I shit the door and walk away! Love this, Heather! Beautiful word!

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  10. Although falling from a high perch is ugly, embarrassing, and hurts like nothing else–it also feels so, so, good to kick that pedestal over. ❤ I love how the Father wastes nothing of our choices. Each step we take–even away from Him, He works on our behalf to bring us closer to the goal–
    Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith"

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  11. This is AWESOME!!! You better believe I’m only here But for the Grace of God!!!! I’m living proof that He can take a mess and turn it into something AMAZING!!! You’re such an amazing inspiration to me!!! Thank you so much!

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  16. I applaud you for this Blog Post…very brave & raw! I hit rock bottom 5 years ago….lost my husband and custody of my 4 children, lost my nursing career, lost my car that I was living in, and my entire family had NOTHING to do with me! I was strung out on pills, street drugs, alcoholic, and booty calls…. I attempted suicide 5 times in the last 10 years! (I don’t know how I’m still here…) My last suicide attempt, I was in a comma, on a ventilator in the ICU, and had damaged my liver and kidneys, but I went “to the other side”… the Afterlife. I had lost my Faith years ago, but God showed me the Front Steps of Heaven where I was greeted by my Little Grannie… she had raised me all of my life and was My Momma. She told me that it was not my time and that I had to go back… even though I didn’t want to. I woke up from my comma and dove into my crazy life for a bit longer… until my rock bottom had basement levels that I was unaware of… I went to prison and got a felony… I had never been behind bars until the year I turned 43. Well, I did my time and did a few years of psychological therapy (my choice), and “Gave It To God”….To Him Be The Glory For The Great Things He Hath Done! I’m a work in progress, but I’m gonna get there with HIS Guidance & Grace & Love…. One Day At A Time 😊

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    1. Michelle, you are the brave one, my friend. You have what it takes to move on. Run and don’t look back. If you fall down get back and wipe those knees off. You are here for a purpose and people need what you’ve got! Don’t ever give up. Your sweet life is beautiful. Tell people all about it…

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  17. This is such a great testimony and I wish I could have read and had this to hold onto a few years ago. So beautifully written, thank you for your transparency in this

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  19. Wow, I Love,love your blog’s!!! Heather Land has been so uplifting me,so when I am down or feel the devil try to creep in my soul…… I AIN’T DOING IT!!!?

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  20. Thank you again for your honesty and openness. I too struggle with expecting perfect from myself and have used my mistakes to beat myself up for years but since my mom died and I turned 60, something has happened and I do it a little less often and not so bad. I’ve learned after sitting in the demntia unit with my mom that life is short and getting shorter. God bless

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  21. I just found you and your blog… where have you been all my life?? This was just what I needed to read today. Thank you. Bless you.

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  22. Well said. After my most epic fall, so far, I struggled with loss of friends. Your 3rd to last paragraph here is spot on what I needed to read. Love and appreciate your transparency. And, always enjoy your snapchats 🙂

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  23. enjoying your blogs and videos… very inspiring at a tough time. I had once referred to myself as the ”queen of mistakes” but God took everything dark and ugly and made it bright and beautiful again. New struggle, new situation today.. and I appreciate what you are bringing to inspire and encourage.

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  24. You really don’t know how much this touches home. I have made many many many mistakes in my life but God knows I’m trying 😢 Thank you for these words!! Love it and you for sharing!

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  25. Wow! Every single soul has been there. The ones who do not reach for the grace and mercy of God (even when we feel we do not deserve it) fall so deep in the shame that some do not make it out. I praise God for his saving grace by which I was rescued and pray for all of those who survived, those who still have a chance and the souls who did not make it. Thank you for your message. I get it!

    “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.”

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  26. Needed this today. Thank you. I teeter between “things have been so hard and so crazy that if i just breathe today, its enough” to “i can’t keep waiting. its time to fix. to do. to lose the weight and get in shape and clean the house and finish the project for work and bond with my friends and take care of everyone that i love and and and and”. i aspire myself right into paralysis and then i then i clobber myself for failing and then i give myself a hug a say “just breathe.” gotta find a way to move forward. this cycle ain’t cuttin it.

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  27. I have walked in those shoes before. Made a career change many years ago, and when I did it, I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong! But nevertheless, I did it anyway. I wound up being a part of a church but not really being a part. Eventually I quit altogether. I am trying to make my way back to God, but the journey is a very hard one to make. I never feel worthy of what I once had with God. But yet I keep pushing, because His word says that I am worthy. Thank you for this post.

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  28. Thank you! What a testimony. What an inspiration. What a reminder! Satan’s lies are so very powerful, even for us faithful believers who know better! 😉 But our faithful Lord knew (put in italics, bold, and underline please) that I needed to read this today. He is definitely doing a good work in you and you are being very faithful to complete it. With or without that pizza.

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  29. Your words are the truth! A book I am reading Grace is Greater by Kyle Idleman addresses all of this. Hebrews 12:15 “See to it that no one misses the grace of God.”
    You make us laugh and smile in a world that need to more! Thank you!

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  30. Heather, I just found your blog and your “I ain’t doin it” videos this week. How have I gotten along without you? You can make me laugh, make me cry, and touch the deepest parts of my soul, all at one time. Thank you for being so real. God bless you!

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  31. As one perfectionist to another: I can so relate. Sometimes we can have spiritual pride and not even realize it until we find ourselves in that dark place. God forgives us. The hard part is forgiving ourselves (for me anyway). I don’t know you but I love you, spiritual sister. Thank you for sharing with all of us. God loves you and will never leave you!

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  33. I have been exactly where you are talking about. There is nothing lower than that low. Especially when you know it was a choice you made all on your own. But by God’s beautiful amazing grace I have a stronger bond to Him and a new respect for TRUE friendship. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  35. Thanks for the share girl! I too, come from the land (family) of judgement. But as an old soul, and young yogi, I have discovered inner peace that the “judgers” will never know. I pray for them daily. I’m just over here doin’ me. Namaste 🙂

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  36. At the end of my 17 year marriage, ugly divorce in full swing, I spent an entire 6 months in the bottle. I’d never even drank before…in my whole life….and suddenly my situation was just too much. Instead of running to my tribe, and seeking solace in the presence of God, I let my SHAME and embarrassment keep me from the people/place I needed most. The divorce wasn’t my fault, but in the church….well, it doesn’t always matter whose was at fault. For six months I spend night after night in a bar. Drunk and hurting. For six months I left my children with the nanny night after night while I tried to forget what their father had done. Then, thank God, one day I woke up. I realized that God was still right there, and every time I called His name he answered. It has taken me several years to forgive myself for that brief time of extremely poor judgment…..but God. God came and restored my soul, God came in and restored my relationship with my children, God came in and helped me to forgive my ex-husband. All I had to do was lift my head, turn my heart back to Him and He did the rest. Take courage sista, we all make mistakes…..but I will NEVER allow shame to run me away from God again.

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  38. And today, in this very moment I’ve skipped work because of my months of “pizza eating.” I feel like I’m a third party spectator, watching my flesh and my spirit battling over what is right and what is wrong.

    HIS grace is sufficient, even when I’ve indulged on the wrong path for so long.

    I am complete in HIM, and that includes the strength the walk back to the path HE wants for me.

    Thank you for this beautiful post. If for no one else, it was for me.❤

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  39. Heather….thank you so much for being so open with your faith and with your mistake….I have been having a really hard time lately and I look forward to seeing your posts and reading your words. I am again reminded to have faith and remember I’m not alone. I feel like I have been drowning in the mistakes in my recent past, they aren’t huge, but I have eaten half a pizza to myself in one sitting, I have eaten bags of chocolate and I have said nasty things to my husband and even worse things to myself. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not who I am and that my life actually rocks ❤️ And also for reminding me that it’s ok to slip and make mistakes but it’s not ok to beat myself up about it. Thank you thank you thank you

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  43. I just stumbled on you. Well, your viral Cross-Fit post was fed to me and I admit, I watched it five times in a row (am I the only freak here?) and laughed harder each time. Who could resist those big blues and bigger teeth. Now I’m Hooked on Heather. I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t laughed so hard since last week and that IS saying something because laughing is my constant. As Mel B would say, “your posts are SPAUGHT ON.” They invigorate me and give me hope. And make all the wrongs somehow right in the world. Thank you for that. You’re brilliant and gifted and I am grateful for your true honesty and wit — and humor. We need you and look forward to more! Pleased and thank you.

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  45. Your humor and your ability to transform the rugged daily life of all of us on that proverbial “struggle bus” has changed me. And yes, I pretend YOU’RE my best friend.

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  47. I feel like you were talking straight to me when I read this! I have been in those shoes and felt every single emotion. I have wanted and yearned, been ashamed and disgraced. I HAVE BEEN THERE! And I am pulling myself back together. I never feel worthy of all God’s given me. But my beautiful son and an amazing an understanding boyfriend later and I am starting to feel whole again. But when the urge comes up again, when the struggles in life rear their ugly heads, I’ll read this and remind myself where I once was! Thank you!

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  48. You were “brought” to me via a Facebook post about school fundraising just last week. I LOVE your posts. I LOVE the way you share your faith. Keep on posting…you are a light in this often dark world! God bless!

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  49. Raw, honest, and you “owned” it. Great testimony of God’s endless love and forgiveness he extends to us. “Louder please, for those in the back.” Everyone should read this! Great read that is worthy of revisiting. Thank you!

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  50. Thank you so much lady!! I feel so blessed to have seen your “ain’t goin do it”. Cause your blog kicks my butt!! So thank you!! Just when I needed it!!

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