MARTYRDOM AND DONUT HOLES

Well, here it is – another beautiful, ugly transitional time in my life. Am I being punked? It’s like I pulled up to the drive-thru window of life and ordered a #2 with a side of instability and mind-numbing fear. And super-size it, please. I wanna make sure I’m really good and full on all this upheaval I’m about to consume. Please don’t leave me wanting. Thanks so much. Lucky for me they put in an extra order of uncertainty and anxiety for the win. YES!!! Thanks, Lord.

Fear and anxiety. Don’t you just love when those two come-a-knocking. They always visit together. They’re sweet like that.

But let me just tell you, the Lord is so kind and good. The truth is that lately, I have been experiencing a sweet season. And I mean, finally!! Good grief, Lord! It’s about time! Most of my transitional times consist of  me stepping off into a big pile of dog crap. I’m just keeping it real.This season is rainbows and butterflies if I’m comparing.

But then there it is. That thing that holds me hostage. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the forward movement and the things I can’t control.

Isn’t it funny how the Lord can lay the most beautiful thing in front of us, but we just don’t know how to embrace it. Maybe it’s just me…
I’m finding that, sadly, I don’t always know how to enjoy life, even in the sweet spot.
Enjoy life… ? What is that, even?
Is that allowed?
How do I do that? Can I love life and be a single mom?
Can I relax?
Can I let go of the control?
Can I just…gulp…be?

I can’t, God. I don’t know how. I need to be needed and I need to hold the reins and have the answers. I must be a co-dependent and a martyr. Yes, that’s it! I am a martyr. I am forever a martyr and a victim of circumstance and I have to be forever responsible for everyone and everything and all of life, and I cannot take a break from being all the things to all the people. I cannot enjoy life. Count me out.

I’m exhausted just typing that.
But it’s how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember. And it’s too much for one person to carry.

Here’s what I’m learning in this season of life. I don’t know how to give myself permission to mentally unwind and drop the guard and the fear. Sometimes ! just don’t know how to let Jesus lighten my load. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to just be.
There. I said it.
I carry the junk from the old season straight on into the new.
I carry that backpack full of weight and co-dependency and control and anxiety. And why? It’s not even required!!
And now that I can see the wide-open space to drop that sucker and run free I stand by the fence and hold it tight like it’s the last donut hole I’ll ever get to eat. (Also, why am I constantly comparing everything to food? So disturbing.)

I watch everybody else enjoy life and I stand to the side because I feel undeserving or I feel the responsibility of the thing – whatever it is. I crawl up on that cross day after day and crucify myself and try to do a job that’s already been done.

See, I’m not a victim and I’m not a martyr, but I sure do act like one. I get up on that cross and sacrifice everything I’ve got because it’s what I’ve always done. I act like everything will fall apart if I don’t have all the answers. And when that self-inflicted weight gets too heavy to carry I fall apart.
I forget how to enjoy life. I forget to see the beauty that’s right in front of my face sometimes. I forget that I don’t have to have all the answers and all the control. It’s ok to say, “You know what, I don’t know what’s coming next, but God does. And that enough.”

I see transition, but he sees promise.
I see fear of the unknown. He sees fun and excitement.
I see difficulty. He sees another opportunity to show me His faithfulness. 

Sometimes we have to just drop the backpack and run the field.

I’m learning.

Stop.
Enjoy life.
Go play.

If we don’t, we might be missing the greatest game ever.
I don’t wanna miss the fun, y’all.
I wanna walk in the joy and the goodness and run in the freedom that comes with trusting God.
We belong to Jesus. We don’t have all the answers but He does.
So drop your backpack, finish your donut hole and go enjoy life.
Relax.
Trust.
And for goodness’ sake, get down off that cross.
Somebody needs the wood.

239 thoughts on “MARTYRDOM AND DONUT HOLES”

  1. My goodness Heather, I just started following you this last week and I felt like you were writing my life story. My son was ordained when he turned 21 (he is 28 now) and his life is amazing, truly amazing. He found his own way and has a beautiful wife and in laws and 3 beautiful children. I see so much joy, love and happiness in his journey “because he is all in”. and I dont have a clue why it’s so hard for me to join that journey. I am so exhausted from life from helping everyone out and sacrificing all of me, and of course I am just older now. I mean what the heck? Conscientious choices need to be made. To be thoughtful in decisions. Easier said than done and habits are so hard to break. I am saying I understand and am anxious to read the responses

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  2. It’s like you read my mind. If misery loves company, we could be the best of friends. I was awake at 2:00 a.m. this morning, worrying about a lot of things—many of which are beyond my control (work, the holidays, kids in college, etc., etc.). I worried that I would wake my husband, so I found my way downstairs to our guest bedroom. Why is it that men can sleep through anything like they are newborns? Seriously. Anyway, I thought maybe in my own quiet space, I could find some peace. The answer was hymns. From “How Great Thou Art” to “It Is Well With My Soul,” I sang several of them in my head. And I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I found the peace and grounding that I needed, and I fell asleep. I awoke this morning with “It Is Well With My Soul” in my head. A great start to the day. That doesn’t mean that this won’t happen again. I just cannot figure how to turn off the worry and anxiety. But I do know that if it does happen, God will be there…again…with the right words. Thank you so much for your post. Birds of a feather …

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  3. Heather, thank you so much for posting this. I know exactly where your at because I am in the same boat with you! This boat were in has ores but we keep using the left ore together and just keep going in circles watching everyone else paddle with both ores. My point is, were tired and I don’t know about you but I’m tired of using only one ore. Lord help us to either use both ores or just drop those ores in the water and let you pull us. Help us to sit for a while and enjoy the Sonshine and the gentle breeze of your Holy Spirit while we eat those donut holes together. This tackle box in the boat is getting heavy. So can we drop some of the hooks, lines and sinkers out before this boat starts to sink? Hey Heather, I know what we can do, lets get a float, (rubber duckies) for both of us and get out of the boat into the water and enjoy the ride. 😊 Fear has to go! Anxiety has to go! Jesus is our life preserver. Like you say, I would rather get into the water with a bunch of sharks than sit in the boat and have no donut holes! Nope, we ain’t doin it! Love you sister and love your site. 💙😁😉

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  4. Absolutely love this! Gosh how many times have I climbed up the cross and beaten myself! I am finally finding myself letting go of that most days and truly trying my best to let go and let God! Stresses and worries eat up way too much of our time, days and blessings that are there waiting for us to ENJOY! Letting go of what we conceive this world tell us to do or be or act and being in the moment trusting God completely…that’s on my to do list today! Love your videos and I’ll be following this blog!

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  5. If only I could write like you do, you would know how much I can relate to you !!
    My story is just too long (I’m 63 yrs old)…
    I’m also in a season of uncertainty. All I know to do is listen for God, and follow my heart.
    I’m just glad my story is still being written cuz I ain’t giving up…Nope, I ain’t doin it !!
    Yes, I have read Pilgrims Progress and I would love to read it again. My book is yellowed and tattered…and at my age now..I need a LARGE PRINT version!!
    You da bomb gurl…you da bomb !!
    ❤️

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  6. Every day at work we all watch your “ain’t doing it” and more than not it gets our office a good laugh! Thanks for all your true to life stories we all live and love them! Elk County Pennsylvania 😘

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  7. Yes, yes, yes! So true for me too. I am in a BIG season of transition and uncertainy and wow is it scary. I am trying to give it all to God but how? What does that mean exactly? I do have faith and try daily to restate it. Live your blog and your super funny videos! A breath of the same air!

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  8. #Metoo (I hate hashtags) but Me too! Gosh! we need a support group. Is it mostly women that feel this way? I’m sorry you all are feeling it too but it’s nice to know I am not alone. I should be happier…I’m working on it.

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  9. Thank you! Sometimes I think I’m the biggest chicken. I’ve been calling it, for the last several years now…”I’m just waiting on the Lord.” Problem with waiting… you find yourself sitting on the fence. I like your visual ~ dropping the backpack and running through the field. 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️ 🙂 life is but a vapor.

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  10. Thank you for being authentic and open about what God is doing in your life. Seasons take time for adjustment,but I too get overwhelmed with the changes. I appreciate this blog because it was helpful to read due to the season God is moving me into. Thanks 🙂

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  11. The first step to letting go is finally realizing that you can and that God won’t drop you from His loving hands! I love your videos, they make me laugh, they make me smile, and they make me thankful that I’m not the only one out there that feels the way I do. Life is a challenge but God never said it would be easy, but He did say He will never leave us nor forelsake us. His intention is for all of His children to have life and have it to the fullest! You are an inspiration and you, like the rest of us, deserve to be able to be happy and at peace with yourself and your life. I’m praying for you and God truly is faithful! ❤

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  12. I’ve had anxiety ’cause it’s time to retire…31yrs. Dang is this even real? Anyway, ran across ‘Martydom and Donut Holes’ Praise You Jesus, Perfect timing as always! Thank you Heather Land – 31 DEC 2017 yup that’s the date, I’m jumping off the porch to run with the pups ✌😉

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  13. I could feel every word, been there done that. I finally did drop the backpack & grabbed a second donut hole – oh wait maybe that was a 3rd, or 6th. Either way the other side rocks, it just takes time to navigate it. Funny thing though, you’ll wake up one morning realizing that while you were so busy worrying, being distracted, afraid or apprehensive (sprinkled with a side of angry & bitter), that all the while you were dog paddling & you made it to the other side while you weren’t even looking. That is a very empowering thing – in the meantime just keep swimming girlfriend, you’ve got this.

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  14. Perfectly put, thanks for the reminder ( of which I will probably forget within the hour due to chaos) that we single mamas need to stop and play and rest too. Even if NOTHING gets done because of it. Keep speaking girl… you clearly are a voice for many ❤

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  15. Heather, for some reason I came across one of your videos on Facebook tonight and decided to go to your page which in turn landed me here to read this. Can I just tell you how the Lord works in such mysterious ways? It is clear to me that He led me to your blog because I needed to read this.
    I, as well as you and many others, am in a time of uncertainty and change that has caused me to not want to leave my bedroom most days. I am always the one who gives others the advice, the encouragement, and do my best to make their lives happier but I sure wish I could find a way to listen to my advice and live by it. I struggle with depression and anxiety…It comes with the territory of having Multiple Sclerosis…But I want to live a happy life and learn to adapt to my changing role of mother to a brand new grandmother and set forth an example for my son and daughter now that they are adults.
    Ultimately, I just want you to know that there is a REASON you have been called to be a “blogger” and you definitely have touched my heart with this one for sure. So thank you, keep up the good work, and PRAISE God I found you 💗
    I’m going to do my best to GIVE IT TO GOD and realize that ultimately I am not doing any good for anyone if I am sacrificing my own sanity and happiness in order to make sure everyone else is happy.
    (((HUGS))) Everyone can use those! 🤗

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  16. Good Lord this is me to the tea. I have been really fighting mental bondage,fear, and anxiety. I know good and well that I have the choice of lettin it go, but the knowledge of how just eludes me. I know God has a plan for my life, and that he didn’t save me just to drop me and fail to rescue me. Maybe we need to simply remember that He is a good Father. No matter what, He guards us. Lemme go ahead and stop before I start preachin haha! Love your “I ain’t doin it” videos Ms. Land! Much love from GA 😀

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  17. Were we separated at birth?
    Dang – right in the feels!
    This blog is a blessing to me in this season of my life.
    Truth, humor and faithfulness.
    Thank ya Sista !!

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  18. My life in a nutshell. Well said!!!
    It’s nice to be reminded that I am not the only one that struggles with not trying to carry the world and its problems… on my little shoulders.

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  19. I have felt your pain for most of my adult life. With four kids and each having such different personalities and all being huge, I could not just stop and enjoy the moment. Fear and worry always found the way to creep in no matter what. Running non stop in what felt like circles at times. Never really enjoying anything good or bad. Then one day I woke up. Pain in every part of my body. Pain in my muscles so bad that I thought I had just worked out 24/7 for a year straight. Then days later finding out that fibromyalgia had taken my life to a screaming halt. Also finding out that stress plays a huge role in the disease. How on earth was I ever going to get better when I lived on the stress train? How ever was my family going to do anything without me controlling everything around them and me? Needless to say the more stress over being stressed that took place in my head…. the greater the pain was. When you are used to going and doing non stop and in a single breath your brought to your knees in crippling pain doing nothing more than pouring a cup of coffee, you seriously start having many come to Jesus moments. Then one day your doctor sits you down and says “Vicki are you able to change this situation?” Well of course my answer is no, not by myself. (I fought taking any meds because all you hear is someone saying in your ear how bad this drug or that drug is. Needless to say after 1 year of nothing working, I started taking meds to help) Then her next question was “Can you control the situation?” Well no really I can’t! So then she proceeded to tell me to let it go if I was unable to either. Well to people like you and I, that’s a heck of a lot easier said than done! I mulled that idea around for ummmmm about another year, until I finally found myself in tears, once again, and those words came slamming back into my head. I started to live by them. If I can’t control or change it, well then I just can’t, so here Father your the only one who can so have at it. How much I’ve learned from doing just that. How much I missed out in because of not doing it. I’m not 100% better. Probably not even 50% better. But as each day passes, be it a good day or a horrible day, I don’t want those reins back ever again! So as my doctor said to me. Can you change it? Can you control it? If you say no to either thing…. let it go!

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  20. Heather thank you for sharing this. As I was reading this it sounded like what I do everyday of my life. I truly trust Jesus but I feel like I am in a big hole sometimes and can’t get out, like the whole world is on my shoulders. I need to learn to lean on Jesus and enjoy life. Thank you so much for this blog. God Bless you and yours.

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  21. I am so much like you explain in ur post .I don’t know how to relax and just have fun. I’m divorced after 25 years of marriage been on my own for over 6 years now I suffer with anxiety & depression I am now starting to go thru the winter time blues and the holidays makes me sad cause I see everyone so happy and I have yet to know what that feels like.Thanks for ur post it shows me on alot of levels I’m not alone.,😊

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