MARTYRDOM AND DONUT HOLES

Well, here it is – another beautiful, ugly transitional time in my life. Am I being punked? It’s like I pulled up to the drive-thru window of life and ordered a #2 with a side of instability and mind-numbing fear. And super-size it, please. I wanna make sure I’m really good and full on all this upheaval I’m about to consume. Please don’t leave me wanting. Thanks so much. Lucky for me they put in an extra order of uncertainty and anxiety for the win. YES!!! Thanks, Lord.

Fear and anxiety. Don’t you just love when those two come-a-knocking. They always visit together. They’re sweet like that.

But let me just tell you, the Lord is so kind and good. The truth is that lately, I have been experiencing a sweet season. And I mean, finally!! Good grief, Lord! It’s about time! Most of my transitional times consist of  me stepping off into a big pile of dog crap. I’m just keeping it real.This season is rainbows and butterflies if I’m comparing.

But then there it is. That thing that holds me hostage. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the forward movement and the things I can’t control.

Isn’t it funny how the Lord can lay the most beautiful thing in front of us, but we just don’t know how to embrace it. Maybe it’s just me…
I’m finding that, sadly, I don’t always know how to enjoy life, even in the sweet spot.
Enjoy life… ? What is that, even?
Is that allowed?
How do I do that? Can I love life and be a single mom?
Can I relax?
Can I let go of the control?
Can I just…gulp…be?

I can’t, God. I don’t know how. I need to be needed and I need to hold the reins and have the answers. I must be a co-dependent and a martyr. Yes, that’s it! I am a martyr. I am forever a martyr and a victim of circumstance and I have to be forever responsible for everyone and everything and all of life, and I cannot take a break from being all the things to all the people. I cannot enjoy life. Count me out.

I’m exhausted just typing that.
But it’s how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember. And it’s too much for one person to carry.

Here’s what I’m learning in this season of life. I don’t know how to give myself permission to mentally unwind and drop the guard and the fear. Sometimes ! just don’t know how to let Jesus lighten my load. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to just be.
There. I said it.
I carry the junk from the old season straight on into the new.
I carry that backpack full of weight and co-dependency and control and anxiety. And why? It’s not even required!!
And now that I can see the wide-open space to drop that sucker and run free I stand by the fence and hold it tight like it’s the last donut hole I’ll ever get to eat. (Also, why am I constantly comparing everything to food? So disturbing.)

I watch everybody else enjoy life and I stand to the side because I feel undeserving or I feel the responsibility of the thing – whatever it is. I crawl up on that cross day after day and crucify myself and try to do a job that’s already been done.

See, I’m not a victim and I’m not a martyr, but I sure do act like one. I get up on that cross and sacrifice everything I’ve got because it’s what I’ve always done. I act like everything will fall apart if I don’t have all the answers. And when that self-inflicted weight gets too heavy to carry I fall apart.
I forget how to enjoy life. I forget to see the beauty that’s right in front of my face sometimes. I forget that I don’t have to have all the answers and all the control. It’s ok to say, “You know what, I don’t know what’s coming next, but God does. And that enough.”

I see transition, but he sees promise.
I see fear of the unknown. He sees fun and excitement.
I see difficulty. He sees another opportunity to show me His faithfulness. 

Sometimes we have to just drop the backpack and run the field.

I’m learning.

Stop.
Enjoy life.
Go play.

If we don’t, we might be missing the greatest game ever.
I don’t wanna miss the fun, y’all.
I wanna walk in the joy and the goodness and run in the freedom that comes with trusting God.
We belong to Jesus. We don’t have all the answers but He does.
So drop your backpack, finish your donut hole and go enjoy life.
Relax.
Trust.
And for goodness’ sake, get down off that cross.
Somebody needs the wood.

245 thoughts on “MARTYRDOM AND DONUT HOLES”

  1. Why was I reading this in your Not Doin It voice?? The whole thing! You are amazing and don’t ever forget that God has your back in everything as long as you put your trust in Him to be there!!! You’ve got this!!!!

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  2. Good Lord Heather, this has been my life since becoming a single parent 22 years ago. My children are grown but I still can’t get back to enjoying life. Thanks for sharing, thought I was going freaking nuts.

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  3. I feel I’ve never amounted to anything. Chose to be wife and mother, no further education…still don’t want more education… have great guilt about not contributing more financially. I’ve worked what many may consider no skills required, usually child care. I work it now for the past 10 years, I’ll take crying toddlers anyday over nasty adults, (worked retail for 7 years) . I feel the victim, I feel defensive about any criticism, going back to childhood. I know I am loved, JESUS loves me…. my husband of 43 years loves me… kids and grandkids, yet, I feel I’ve failed

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  4. I completely understand & get it Heather as I used to be a “fixer” until I was broken the hard way. Focus on things you can control. Let go & Let God!! He knows the big picture & He’s got you…..ALWAYS!!! Walk in Faith with confidence!!! God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear but of POWER, LOVE, & SOUND MIND!!! And those who shall ask for WISDOM, He will pour it out libertally. I just know He works things out far better than I could ever imagine for His ways & thoughts are HIGHER than ours!!! My fav scripture Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not upon thy own understanding. But in all thine ways acknowledge Him & He shall direct our path. Amen!!! I’m a big fan & you make us laugh by keeping it real. Thx for sharing…..much love 😃

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  5. I read this, and thought, “what, wait, how does she know what I’m battling?!” I’m praying and praying and just trying to move forward until this season of my life passed. Until rhen, laughter helps a whole lot and your videos really make me laugh. Thank you, sweet sister friend in Christ.

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  6. Thank you so much, I really needed this. Why do I feel like I’m the only one who feels like this? I feel so guilty for even admitting to anxiety and fear, because I am a Christian. Good to know others go through the same thing. God bless you, and you keep your “I ain’t doing it” going. It perks me up many times.

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  7. What is it that makes us this way? Our society? Our upbringing? I don’t know, I only know I totally relate. Being a single parent exacerbates the feelings. I am not in that place anymore but I was and so I get it. Keep on seeking! Keep on knocking! Prayers and hugs to you, sweet sister!

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  8. I don’t know you…but can I just say, I love you!!! You spoke straight from my own brain…but funnier and wittier. Keep it up!!!

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  9. We are all in the same boat. Don’t presume the people you see who look so happy, and carefree really are. We all have our insecurities, fears and doubts…it’s ok; just breathe.

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  10. Wow. You are reading my mind. I’m 57, VERY happily married at last. I’ve been divorced with two kids ( that husband had an affair with our babysitter). I remarried. That husband had bipolar disorder and was emotionally abusive. My son was diagnosed with cancer and survived. My husband was then killed on the job, so I was now a widow with FOUR children. Did I tell you I was a homeschooling mom with no job? Alrighty. After a time with an anorexic, OCD, suicidal daughter, I decided to step out of my home and date. I reconnected with a high school friend and lo and behold, we got married right before I turned 50. I have a wonderful life, and apparently, because I can’t let my past horrors go, I can’t just trust God and be happy without anxiety. My anxiety wakes me up at night. It tells me that I can’t be this happy. I know it is a liar and my God is bigger than that. Is this just something women deal with?? I’m really curious. Thank you for making me laugh every single day with your videos and keeping it real on your posts. Sorry for the long comment.

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  11. I just listened today to a message from Andy Stanley called Fear-less. Wanted to share it with the whole world, so I’ll start here with you. Thanks for what you do. You bring light, and that’s rare.

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  12. Start a Blog! Please!! You have such a wonderful way with words and if you can stay this honest (and frail), surely the masses will flock to you! My husband was a wordsmith like you (I lost him to cancer 5 years ago), his written essays were riveting….just like yours! Not to pile moreanxiety on you or anything!❤️❤️❤️

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  13. Wow it is like you are in my head and you are writing about me. Thanks for sharing. I don’t feel so alone after reading this and all the comments. God bless ya.

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  14. You hit the nail on the head (or should we say hand? Badumching) when you said that it’s already been done. Jesus already finished all the work, y’all!!! He paid for your peace, wholeness, health, and prosperity, according to the Bible. All you have to do is sit back and trust His finished work. We even have His righteousness too. So, get down off that tree!

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  15. You are so on it. I tend to feel undeserving of real happiness and undeserving of success and I have a lack of confidence. I worry about my grown children as if that will keep them safe. I know that God is in control and holds my future and theirs but I keep carrying the backpack. Thank you for helping me to remember that God knows and has great plans for my future and theirs and that I just need to let go and let God. And .., I need to see your post everyday for a good belly laugh.

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  16. thank you for your thoughts.i dont feel so alone now, or overwhelmed :).i see from the replys that there are many of us that feel this way.thank you again.

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  17. Brene Brown tells us that “joy” is the hardest emotion to express. Instead we spend too much time “rehearsing tragedy.” Instead of letting go and fully emercing ourselves in joy, we worry about the “what ifs.” I am so guilty of doing this. It’s like if display total joy, something’s going to happen to take it away. I’m trying to be better about being afraid to be filled with joy. I highly recommend her book Daring Greatly. And her Ted Talk on the topic of vulnerability.

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  18. Wow! Are you inside my head ?? So perfectly said ! Thank you for your honesty and or MN taking me laugh! God bless you!!

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  19. Girl! You just described my mental state…well until I let go and let God! I have anxiety and fear and it shows it’s ugly head occasionally. So much for that season of coming and going! Ain’t fun, nope ain’t doing it!! I actually talked to someone and started yoga. I have a person! Worked wonders! I have learned that I can’t control what others do; I can only control my thinking. Yes, life’s too damn short! Get out there and go for a walk, beach or girls weekend. Gotta do it! I delete the news feed. Hate the sadness and disparity. I get enough on TV. I love my close friends and the Christian Blogs – they keep me grounded (for the most part!). I used to be that perfectionist. Everything had to be done. Now if I plan a party a couple weeks ahead of time – I’m golden! My house is clean but a there’s a mess. My hair is good but my body is a hot mess! Hey – I really don’t care because the few great friends I have love me just the way I am!

    You’re a big ball of fun. Gods got this anyway!! Muah!

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  20. I think you speak for a lot of us. Anxiety is my best friend. We spend lots of time together. When things are great I’m always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Like I can’t let myself enjoy it because I have to prepare for the inevitable disappointment that is sure to follow. Been working in that and I think I’ve gotten a little better at it. 🙂

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  21. Love you, Heather, and your spirit and your truth and your humor and your courage and your vulnerability. Most, I love your faith. It resembles mine.

    Enjoy!!

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  22. At my appointment today with my new psychiatrist; I explained exactly this. 😞
    I have a general anxiety w/ panic disorder, adhd and agoraphobia. It’s a struggle EVERY dog gone day.
    Thanks for Sharing ❤️❤️❤️ and stay strong 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

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  23. Always know you are where God needs you to be. You are serving Him so well by bringing laughter to those who have very little to laugh for. Feel confident in who you have become, because you say exactly what so many of us think.!! Plus, the delivery is hilarious!!

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  24. Thank you for sharing your journey. I can definitely relate! I am slowly learning to give everything to the Lord. Through prayer and obedience my faith in him is increasing. He loves us and only wants the best for us.

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  25. Wow! Are you living my life right now. Although I am married and have 3kids. I feel the same way. I can’t relax and enjoy anything for fear and anxiety and I pray and pray and pray and it just keeps coming back!
    #I ain’t doin it!

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  26. Oh my gosh… so beautiful! You have spoken to my heart, and I’m not a single parent, but just trying to be that martyr is exhausting. Thank you, Heather!

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  27. Omg. You just described me. I just don’t know how to drop the ball and enjoy. I so wished I could do that. What a help you have een girl. To put things into perspective.

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  28. Omg. You just described me. I just don’t know how to drop the ball and enjoy. I so wished I could do that. What a help you have been girl. To put things into perspective.

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  29. You’re living my life!!! You just spoke everything I feel. The inability to relax and let go and let Jesus take any of it. Like I don’t even know how! I am unable to just drop the guard because I physically and mentally do not know how to give it to Him. I’m so glad you know exactly how this feels, bc I feel so embarrassed saying all of that out loud.

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  30. I love how you are able to express yourself. You just tell it like it is but with a little twist of humor. You are so talented and gifted. I look so forward to seeing what’s next in “I ain’t doing it”. Thank you for all of the laughs. 😂

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  31. This is my life too!! I have suffered from fear and anxiety for so long I don’t know what it feels like to be truly happy!! I have to remind myself over and over to give it to God but than take it back!! Night time is the worse when the fear and anxiety hits me and I can not turn my brain off to sleep!! You are in my prayers Heather!! Love to you!!

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  32. I was driving over a bridge one day and the thought occurred to me that I never doubt if a bridge or an overpass will hold my car. I don’t get anxious that it will collapse or crumble under the weight of my car. I don’t doubt the engineer that designed it. I just drive and trust that it will safely get me to the other side. I wish I could trust God like that and believe that he will always get me to the other side safely because when I look back on my life, he always does and I bet he would love if I would find some joy in that. Love your blog, Heather!

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  33. I’m walking that valley right now with ya! It’s a busy place! No wonder we run all over each other and sometimes don’t even have a clue! My lesson has been “just for today” can I sit and be still at the feet of Jesus and just be Mary? One day at a time, don’t look back, don’t look forward. Trade in one donut hole for my daily bread from Jesus and don’t even pick up that stinking bag of fear and anxiety to begin with! Nope, ain’t got no time for that! Love you! May the Lord continue to bless and anoint your ministry as you help us laugh and just lighten up!

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  34. Wow! I needed this. I am reading this at 3:00 in the morning, having been awake since about 12:30, as I fill out paperwork to have my youngest child (A 16-yr-old daughter) placed in a residential treatment center because she has become a danger to herself. God gave you these words for a reason…thank you for writing them out.

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  35. Heather, feel like I’m reading my own life story here. I️ feel so undeserving of being happy and living life. Everyone else comes first. The sad, anxiety, fear, i give to God I️ lay it down and and pick it back up to drag it right on thru the next day like a champ. Wearing me slick!
    #bouttohaveacomeapart! Lol
    Love you Heather Land!🙏❤️

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  36. I have been dealing with the exact same issues lately. Turning over control is a daily effort. Also I am learning that when I ask God for help and to open doors for me that I can’t allow my fear to hold me back from walking through them. Great blog today! Thanks

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  37. Heather,
    My wife and I just discovered your “I ain’t doin it” vignettes and show them to everyone. They’re hilarious (and oh, so true).
    While some say I suffer with a little too much confidence and my wife is always the light in the room, many in our circle suffer from “Worlditis”. The symptoms of this debilitating disease are largely precisely what you just described. The good news is, there is a cure, and it looks like you’ve started the regiment. Serving others, meeting the needs of others, seeking Christ for our self worth and kneeling at the cross (instead of crawling up on it) are actions which become habits after we do them consistently over time. Habits (good or bad) change us.
    In addition to your talent it’s obvious that you have a good heart. Give yourself a break. As you can see, so many in this world suffer from the same infliction. Perhaps God has selected His modern day Gideon! (And now I guess you’re going to have to publish Bibles for motel rooms.)
    Allow yourself to be blessed today!
    Drew and Lisa Walston

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  38. Bam 💥 you nailed it! I’m a single mom of 3. Thank God they’re grown. But I’m still that Mom who walks around with a loaded tool belt trying to fix anything that’s broken or has a wobble. I am trying to learn that some things aren’t mine to fix but that’s tough when I see something falling apart. It’s hard keeping that tool belt in the garage when I’ve always been the Handy-Mom!! I felt horrible if something wasn’t right. Held myself accountable for everything that went wrong. My FAITH has grown significantly this year. That crucifix was like my pedestal. God gave me a step stool and told me to get my ass down from there. 😉💕🙏🏻

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