This is not just a story about drug addiction, but about a need and desire for a relationship that offers little reciprocity.
Let me back up…..
I haven’t written in almost two years. TWO. YEARS. I guess I’ve been out of words, although my husband would probably disagree. The truth is, it’s been a weird few years. A lot has been going on in my personal life and I’m writing here again because not only do I want to offer you some encouragement through my own experiences, but equally, I’m here to receive it. Now that I can finally put a few thoughts together, I want to share more of my story so you know you aren’t alone. We women these days are so covered up in insecurity and comparison that letting someone see our junk is just too exposing. But I have found that letting some light in is a healer, and I’m here to mend and help you do the same. That said, I’m going to continue to word-vomit right here and hope that something sticks to the wall. If ”word vomit” sounds like a phrase you’d like to get down with, let us continue.
Like I said, a lot has happened in my personal life during, well…the entirety of my personal life and I’ve touched on some of it here and there – divorce, single-motherhood, miscarriages, the death of someone closest to me, bad dating choices in my 40’s, love, marriage and as of late, peri-menopause. Not to mention all the juicy little details that y’all know nothing about – bad business dealings with a side of lost relationships over these past few years that have caused me many tears and self-reflection. Jenn, my counselor tells me I’m making great progress. Even with such a long way to go, I still think I’m ready to let you in.
We are all going through our fair share of “issues”. It’s important to me that you know – I don’t think mine aren’t more meaningful or note-worthy just because you’re reading them. Also, I am 100% unqualified to give direction to anyone about anything – just to be clear. But I know this – talking about our crap matters. Whatever your crap is, It can’t stay bottled up inside or swept under the rug. One day you are gonna bust like a can of biscuits or the button on your too-tight jeans and it ain’t gonna be pretty. I know because I have come to this place. My biscuits busted, y’all. The layered ones. So many layers, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so grateful for all of the beautiful things in my life, and there are a lot! But over the past few years I finally hit a point where not dealing with all the bad ones nearly took me down.
While it seems like everybody else has been facing hard things surrounding Covid and the overall state of our world, my challenge has been internal. My brain is on overload but it’s not from all the news outlets, statistics, or CDC guidelines. It’s from the constant chatter and inner-workings of my own psyche. My fight isn’t with my neighbor who disagrees with me about the vaccine.
My fight is with, and FOR, myself.
Something that you may not know is that I have struggled over these past few years in coming to terms with an issue that has attached itself to me since I was born (and I’m not talking about the fat on my thighs). Against every bit of my will it has made its home inside my heart, helped shape my personality, walked with me all throughout my childhood, haunted me into my adult years and created more dysfunction in my family than you can shake a stick at. It has effected me so much that every choice I make and every thought I think until recent months has been filtered through the destruction that this subject has caused.
It has been hard for me to talk about because in no way, shape or form do I ever want to cause hurt or harm to any human being, including those who have not withheld either of those things from me. But my trauma-brain is finally understanding that my intentions matter and when it comes to this difficult subject my intentions are pure – to heal, move forward and to take you with me. This is my objective. I am sick to death of hiding my story for fear of hurting those who had a hand in creating it. My need and burning-desire to use my voice to help my community of sisters feel more understood and less alone has finally won the battle in my mind. If my reality benefits you in any way – if it empowers you to tell your story that will inevitably help others, then THAT is worth the rub and the backlash that any of the words on this page may bring me. So, here we go.
MY MOTHER SUFFERS FROM ADDICTION.
I grew up an only child in a small town in Tennessee. From when I was a little girl (up until middle-school, maybe) I have a few really sweet memories of my mother – her bringing cupcakes to my kindergarten class, helping me with projects, letting me go to work with her when I faked being sick on school days, making sure Christmas morning was magical. She was the prettiest lady I had ever seen. When I got sick she was a good caretaker – always letting me sleep in her bed so she could tend to me. I remember my parents taking me and my friends to the lake on the weekends. I remember them always getting together with their own group of church friends and even though I never felt a bond with my mother, she seemed so happy and full of life back then…until she didn’t.
I do have some good experiences worth hanging onto, but as I sit here flipping through my mental records for more happy memories, the ink on those pages seems to have faded. I’m sure somewhere on the bottom shelf of my intellect sits another book-full, but new narratives written-by-the-volume have stacked up and kept that old ledger buried deep, if it even exists at all. Maybe as my emotional work progresses I can blow the dust off of some hidden keepsakes that my mind has forgotten about. But for now, these are the remnants of nostalgia concerning my mother.
I see parts of her in me that let me know there is so much goodness there. If you have any kind of need whatsoever I will fix you and your entire household a pot of chili that will keep you fed until Jesus comes back. I’ll host your baby shower, let you borrow my clothes and I’ll visit your dying mother in the hospital quicker than you can say HOSPITALITY because that’s what she always did. When it came to others in need, she modeled an unselfish generosity, and I have tried to follow suit. Those beautiful attributes that she has passed on to me are not overlooked, and I am grateful for every good gift that has spilled over from her cup to mine. But in full disclosure I have to tell you, the love and affection she has shown to others is not something that has been given quite so freely to me. In truth, the grief and torment my heart and mind have felt from this relationship so deeply over all these years far overshadows any virtuous features I may have acquired from her. Because in the midst of drug-addicted chaos, my mother never stopped baking those casseroles for people in need, but she did stop nurturing me somewhere along the way. That is one memory that will never leave me no matter how much I try and wish it away, mostly because it is still my reality. This is not just a story about drug addiction, but about a need and desire for a relationship that offers little reciprocity.
My mother was present but she wasn’t. She loved me but she couldn’t. She hates being an addict, but she doesn’t. She tries so hard…sometimes, but it just always seems to get the best of her and our entire family, for that matter. It never ends. It never has. There is so much more to say here. So many memories of confusion and loneliness over the years. So much rejection and feelings of abandonment.
My younger years were not all bad, though. They were good, in fact! I have so many great memories of big family get-togethers, of living next to my grandparents, of friends and dances and shenanigans. Outside the walls of my home I had a near-perfect childhood but behind closed doors the struggle often times overwhelmed me. And because we were not aware that drug addiction was a big part of the problem until later, there were no family discussions – only questions. So many questions – Where has she been? Why is she so angry? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t she like me? Why do her words and this buttoned-up little middle-class life feel like a lie?
Why don’t I matter?
Over the course of my adolescent years my mother became disengaged, despondent, angry and hollow, and I became anxious, worried and depressed. It wasn’t until early into my senior year of high school that we cracked the code and found out she had been addicted to pills for years. Knowing it and naming it helped, but the gnawing awareness that my mother’s relationship with pills always seemed to be more important to her than her relationship with me was, and is, a gut-wrenching absolute. And I’m not sure why, except that Henry Cloud says ”Nobody changes until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change.” Maybe it’s that simple. Maybe it’s not.
I remember pastors and friends being at our house at various times trying to help sort through the trauma and the drama – looking into rehabs, praying, delivering, yelling, screaming, sorting through the tears and the lies. This was a scene that I would soon be brought into somewhere around age 16. Most of my high school memories at home are of me questioning my mother about drugs, deceit, strange behaviors, missing money, or her unknown whereabouts. This role I played as Parent and Interrogator would become my reality as the decades passed, and eventually included a new role – my father’s Savior and Confidant.
I’m not sure this one blog entry has the bandwidth to handle all of the things I’ve experienced. There are memories that plague my mind in abundance and there has yet to be any amount of clarity or distraction that erases them from my brain. There are so many ways I’ve been affected by a life not only wrapped up in drug abuse, but one affected by the lack of relationship that a girl needs, and should have, with her mother. As I try and move forward and push these words out onto this paper I am forced to stop and sit, once again, with the fear of hurting my family by my words. But this is part of my work – to realize that this thought pattern is a repercussion of being raised in an environment where others’ feelings and experiences mattered way more than mine. And this has been a lie that has been forced upon me my entire life, until I recently chose to finally resist it.
If you know you know…
And if you do, then it’s you I’m writing for.
Let’s keep going.
Throughout the course of my life I have been taught a lot of things. Most of the good things worth hanging onto were taught to me mostly by my paternal grandmother. Thankfully, she lived next door to me until I left home at 18. She was my best friend and confidant and she knew what I was going through. My dad understood it too, from his spousal perspective. He was a really great dad growing up and most of my little-girl memories include him. He coached t-ball, took me fishing, taught me to drive, and when I was little, every night after work I would sit in his lap while he watched Sanford and Son. Eventually the light in his eyes dimmed as his every thought was, and remains, consumed by my mother’s destruction.
Thankfully, my grandmother filled the gaps for me along the way. We had an unbreakable bond and actually, it was her death three years ago that eventually gave me the nudge I needed to finally see a counselor. The loss of her as my center and the glue that held our broken family together caused every crack to be exposed and every fracture more vivid than ever before. So much so, that I could no longer pretend that our family dynamic had not left me devastated. She did a wonderful job making me feel as loved and secure as possible. And while I know that any nurturing, loving attributes I have came straight from her, so many more dysfunctional traits came from being raised in addiction right next door.
The things I’ve seen and the lies I’ve been told could be made into a seven part docu-series. I’ve lived with my mother being in and out of rehabs for as long as I can remember and I’ve seen my dad get her out early just as many times. I’ve lived in a world where my reality is continually denied, my anger suppressed and my wounds unattended for longer than should be allowed. I have been taught to always try and fix others because that’s what matters most. I have waited for the other shoe to drop my entire life because inevitably it always has. There have been naysayers, guilt-givers and scripture-speakers who, many with all-be-it good intentions, have done their best to direct my focus back to “being there for my family” with no regard whatsoever for my heart or my mental health. I have inadvertently been taught that Christianity and the love of Jesus means that we let others walk all over us as we continue to “turn the other cheek” and give people a free pass to abuse us. These days, I know better and am a firm believer that God cares just as much for my mental state as He does my mother’s.
I have been a protector, people-pleaser, a peacemaker, and a private investigator. I have been taught to live in fear, to mistrust and always proceed with caution. If I had a suspicion it was always right. And if I had a need, it probably wasn’t a good time. Just step aside and take care of yourself. Go play while we figure out what to do with your mother. The adult version of that narrative still reads the same but with grown-up nuance, in case you’re wondering.
All along the way, I have known deep down that this weight was too heavy to carry. The weight of never being able to say the right thing, to be good enough, love hard enough, pretend well enough. The weight of co-dependency. I’ve tried to lay it down at various times in my life but either toxic habits or manipulation has caused me to lug it around and take every single bit of this fear-based craziness into my adult life. It has affected all of me, including my parenting and every relationship I have ever had. I even inadvertently sought out adult relationships that resembled my wounded childhood because sadly, it felt familiar and fixing people was my M.O. And although worth every penny, it has cost me thousands of dollars in therapy. I’m not just talking about how drugs have affected me, but about how the choices of someone whose sole purpose was to love and protect me has.
I’m not writing this to gain your sympathy. What I do need, however, is greater understanding for why we become so hyper-focused on the chaos itself that we forget about the victims of it. We forget to look at the little girl and ask her if she’s ok, if she needs a hug or a counselor. Maybe we forget because we are too busy trying to save face or fix broken people who can’t be fixed or don’t want to be, instead of mending the fractured sufferers who are begging to be put back together. Maybe we forget because we are too busy enabling the persecutor all in the name of Jesus or love or “doing the right thing” – so much so that we forget to do the right thing! We somehow forget to be Jesus to the ones who have been persecuted.
I don’t understand. Why can’t we be Jesus to both?
If I sound fed up, I am.
If I could go back and do it differently, I would.
If I can help somebody in my shoes stand up for truth and justice and themselves, I will.
Even though my upbringing has been full of trauma and constant undoings and even though I have brought a lot of little-girl wounds into my big-girl life, I have also brought a plethora of beautiful attributes with me as well.
Bravery.
Strength.
Tenacity.
Empathy.
Relatability.
FAITH.
HOPE.
Untangling myself is a constant work in progress. My feelings still overwhelm me at times as I get caught up in the remnants of my past dysfunction. I’m still working it out, learning to hope as I continue to dip my toe in the waters of trust. I have a ways to go, but I’ll tell you this – the empathy and compassion I’ve developed for others has been a gift I may not have ever received had I not been raised inside of my story. Knowing where I came from keeps me grounded and gives me a continual supply of reality (and content) that helps me navigate my line of work. Remembering the life I’ve lived makes me put in overtime to be a loving, trustworthy partner. And working through my false-beliefs of inadequacy and acknowledging my little-girl-need for love and direction has made me a better parent. My adolescent emotions of insecurity and uncertainty have made sure I created a grown-up world where above everything on living earth, my children know they are safe and secure in my presence. I fail constantly, but my heart feels right. I am a living testimony that you are not your circumstances. My backbone and my faith are stronger and my call to justice is louder than ever before. And deep in my knower I am fully aware that in spite of everything I’ve gone through God is still good…and so am I.
For the record, I love my family very much. My parents are good people. They are just tangled up in a toxic cycle. Being a part of this cycle requires more from me than I can give these days, so I’ve chosen to no longer participate. It hurts me beyond words, but not nearly as much as my previous alternative.
I am on a continual road to restoration. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it, but I’m walking it out the best I can. Sometimes I handle it with grace and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m full of compassion and sometimes I’m madder than a hornet. Sometimes I pull in close. Currently I’ve stepped away. “Won’t you regret that one day?” Maybe. I don’t know. I just know that I’m doing the best I can right now with what I’ve been given. I’m always aware of my need for help and support and even more aware of my need to continually forgive and extend grace, even from afar.
Please hear me when I say – I know that addiction is a disease I didn’t give quite enough credit to in this story. I know there are studies and facts and facets that I didn’t touch or know nothing about. This is just a sharing-of-my-life and a look inside my brain and heart as I’ve navigated addiction and devastated relationships from a daughter’s perspective.
If you are in recovery of any kind and you are doing your dead-level best to walk in humility, be a good human and change the narrative for the people you’ve effected including yourself, you should be proud of yourself! You are doing good work and making your story count.
If you’ continue to be a victim of other peoples’ choices, whatever that may look like, I hope you will love yourself enough to tend to your own heart, give yourself some attention and get the help you need, whether from a pastor, counselor or friend.
For those of you who are staying in a toxic environment out of any guilt or fear, let me offer my humble opinion: You can love people from a distance – it’s still love. You just get to choose what your heart can withstand and when your grace period is up. That’s between you and God. If you need a breather, just know that removing yourself doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Making those changes won’t be easy, but pouring into yourself the way you’ve poured into others is worth it. Your life is just that – yours.
You matter.
❤️
I’ll be offering resources on these subjects in the coming days.
For now, if you need help breaking co-dependent/addictive cycles in your life, here a few of my own personal reading suggestions to start with:
-How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera –
https://www.amazon.com/dp/006301209X?ref=exp_heatherland_iaintdoinit_dp_vv_d
-Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. David Townsend –
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804?ref=exp_heatherland_iaintdoinit_dp_vv_d
-You’re Not Crazy, You’re CoDependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615533469?ref=exp_heatherland_iaintdoinit_dp_vv_d
HEATHER LAND 
I dreamed about you lastnight. I saw you and hugged you after a show. I looked in your eyes and told you I am proud of you. I wish it was a real moment. I woke up to crying baby and saw this in my email. Heather- I am proud of you.
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I understand and I care!❤️🙏. Addiction has taken many family members and almost took my brother last November. He went in ICU for a month was clean 2 months, back to where he was right now! I blame big Pharma and the Dr.s that are pusher of these drugs! When that stops, people will have a chance! Until then, here we are!🙏❤️
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I understand your anger toward big Pharma and I understand your emotional need to lay blame but the blame lies only at the feet of the addict. It is self medication. It doesn’t matter if it’s heroin or speed or alcohol or food it is all an addiction and you can’t fix anybody else. Not your brother nor anyone else. He will either pull himself out of this pit he lives in or he will die and that is the cold hard truth of addiction. My heart aches for you and your brother. We all have these similar stories in our life and it is heart wrenching. I lost a very dear friend to addiction. She was in complete denial when she overdosed and died. Wishing you the best
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Walking right next to you the past four years, and writing it all out. Thank you for being brave enough to share this; I’ve also made the decision to take a time-out, which has gone over like a lead balloon…even with people who you’d think would understand. Tuck in under your new family’s love-umbrella and keep slogging: We need you. 🙂
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This is such and amazing post! I cried as I read it. It felt like you were in my mind !! Very familiar feelings, some I never knew words for until now. I have never had self worth. I have a successful career that I love, but i feel I dont deserve it. I have two amazing adult daughters who I “broke the cycle” or so I hope! Toxic people still have a way of holding me back. Everyday is a struggle but I am here today because of my past.
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Thank you for sharing your story and may God bless you and your family through this journey. I too grew up in a similar situation, and am just realizing the trauma and its effects on shaping me. I don’t even know who or what I am like outside of it. I always just figured because we had a house, plenty of food and clothes, activities and both parents, there were more worse off. We weren’t physically abused, so nothing was wrong…?
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Thank you for sharing! Please consider coming to Naranon on Thursday’s at 6:30 at woodmont Christian church. Enter through back door. It is so very helpful! Mary Ann
Sent from my iPhone
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Never stop sharing your testimony. Someone, somewhere needs to hear it. Much love (and healing) to you. 💗❤💗
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Heather, you are stronger and braver than you think. Being an only child myself l understand. You have only yourself to hold the love and pain. My story is somewhat similar but different than yours, it spans most of my childhood on into my adulthood (I’m 71). Wishing you continued success and thanks for the entertainment that helps keep me somewhat sane (if there is such a thing).
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Wow Heather….thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You are courageous and spreading truth & light….
A book/memoir is in your future. We need to hear the whole story ~ it’ll provide prospective and encouragement to others in more ways than you realize. Again ~ thank you for sharing and caring!
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What a journey! Thank you for sharing. May God continue to richly bless you . The Bible tells us if we stay faithful to God through our trials he will bless us with more than we lost. Looks like that is exactly where you are with your new family ties. Keep your spirits up.
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Similar childhood but replace addiction with mental illness. I could so relate to what you were saying and what you went through. My mother has now passed. Every so often I miss her but mostly I don’t. Thank you for sharing your story.
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I totally feel your pain..So glad your coming back,,missed you
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This hits home with me!! Not being able to share my life and experiences cause it might upset or hurt someone. All while I’M hurting 💔 😞. My mom too is addict. Thanks for your words of wisdom . You say it perfectly !! Thank you! ❤
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Thank you for sharing your story. May this be the first step toward true healing! Prayers for peace, love and light!
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Same story, only, my father. And then, my son became an addict. Wow, what a life changer. Being a child of addiction, all I wanted to do was fix, so I started a support group . 10 years later, he is clean, as is my father. But, forgiveness, that is the hardest part. Never any accountability on my father’s part. His feeling was, I quit, whatever happened before doesn’t matter. During Covid, I had a complete meltdown, triggered by my father. I started therapy a year ago, and it has completely changed my life. Forgiving our parents is one of the hardest things we can do. Sending all of my love, take care of you
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As I read your story, I cried for you, I cried for myself. This sounds all to familiar to my story minus the addiction. I grew up as an only child with a single Mom. She loved me in her own way although i always felt she was incapable of giving love. Sometime i will share. Love to you , you are an awesome person and so loved by so many. Your humor lifts me up each and every day. I have seen all your facebook I ain’t doin it posts. They are the best.
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Similar life story but now I am the only one left to care for my mother. I am 73 she is 92. Been looking out for her for 23 years since she retired and quit driving.
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🙌🏼 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR SHARING. Maybe I will have something more to share when I manage to catch my breath. ♥️
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It’s not funny how we take trauma from our childhoods with us to old age. I never had that sweet bond with my mom and my grown kids tell me Im not a hugger and seem distant. I loved my children so much I never wanted them to ever have pain in their life so I tied to make them strong women who could support themselves as I thought that’s what mothers do. But I was in my fifties before I understood where my emotional disconnect came from. Childhood molestation by a close relative has always been in the back of my head telling me I’m unclean and didn’t deserve my family. But it broke my heart when I found something out from another relative and realized that my mom too was a victim from this same man holding her back from giving openly. I so wish she was alive today and tell her it’s okay and we are worthy.
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This checks so many boxes in my life. I was the mom doing drugs not all of the time but none the less doing drugs, I always said I was a recreational user not an abuser I could not use for a long period and then pick up and use again, my husband on the other hand had no stop and the cycle continues. We had 3 children between us him a son me a daughter and a shared son. Reading this all of the heart break my children felt comes to full circle I cry myself to sleep many nights over the past and have seen it repeat it’s self in the 2 older children 1 with drugs and 1 with alcohol I have to take the blame for that. I have been clean, no use for 20 years but the damage is done. I try to help heal my daughter but I can’t do it for her. I have a hard time understanding why she can’t just quit as I have. We will continue to work through this and I pray we will both come out healed in the end. Thank you for your courage to speak your truth to help us speak ours.
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Being a soon to be 50 year old Mom of two, I also struggle with having a strained relationship with my mom. It’s ironic how mental illness and drug addiction has the same nasty outcome on their victims.
I commend you for your strength and respect you for sharing this blog with a lot of women, who are and have struggled. Including me! ❤️
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I share your same story, however, at 16 I removed myself from my home and asked a teacher if I could live with their family. I was independent and traveled, met people, enjoyed life, found forgiveness, and I would not trade my life for anything…good times and bad. We all are responsible for how we choose to see the world and live accordingly. I enjoyed reading your story and commend you for your honesty. We write our own stories and hopefully they have happy endings.
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Addiction has been in my husbands family, which is my family, for so many years. So many arguments as one brother would constantly steal from the family for more drugs. He never asked for forgiveness but one day I told him I forgave him for all he done to my sons, husband (his brother) and myself. But also told him my forgiveness does not mean I trusted him. It was a long journey for this brother, the struggles he had with drugs and Jesus because he knew. He died of an overdose 3 years ago. My husbands other brother had mental issues due partly from drugs. But he was kind and loved his family never took advantage of anyone. He died of a massive heart attack last year. Two men struggled for so many years.
My niece just left her husband because of a toxic alcoholic marriage. You have some words in your story that I will be be sharing with her. He is begging her to come back we are telling her to wait give it time for him to change if he will at all.. Life is so unpredictable.
Thank you for sharing your story it will help so many.
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Thank you for sharing. I was raised by alcoholic parents. The military life was full of “happy hours “, physical abuse and secrets. As an adult, I modeled this behavior. I made very bad choices until I realized that chaos was my comfort zone. I am still a chaos seeker but try and realize what I am doing before it costs me. It’s a process.
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I have a similar story, only mine wasn’t addiction, it was sexual abuse my mother endured from her father and it ruled our entire lives and still does. I haven’t reached out to a counselor yet, but it’s happening as I am a tangled mess as well and afraid to hurt her more by protecting myself.
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You are so awesome. ❤️ so glad you made this page ❣️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Heather, you would not believe how closely our lives resemble one another. I’m sure so many are thinking the same. You made me see an aspect I hadn’t. It is gut wrenching. Now that I know, I must face it the best way I know how, through Christ Jesus. Because it is far too heavy of a burden than I can carry. Thank you for your willingness to share. I do appreciate you and what you have gone through to help others. You are glorifying God and that is all that should be asked of you.
Your new friend in Jesus,
Renee
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Thank you!!
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I can relate to a lot of this with my childhood. I did get alittle counseling should have stuck with it. I have new pain from my siblings who never had any use for me but I loved them anyway. I have a new life but reflect back often I wish I could just forget it all. Thanks for sharing
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Thank you for sharing.
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Wow, i applaud you for putting your feelings into words. I am 67 years old, and i haven’t been able to do this. Your childhood resembles mine but not with addiction but both of my parents suffered with mental illness in their own way. Me and my siblings spent our time trying to keep from making my parents mad. Because when either of them got angry, we got beaten. Unfortunately, mental illness is in your genes. Their parents had it and their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are showing signs of it.
It has the same effect on families as yours. There has always been “something” that i haven’t been able to verbalize, understand, and couldnt put my finger on that has caused a deep emptiness in my heart. It has caused me to fail in most of my adult relationships but i just didn’t know why. Now that you have put it into words, i can recognize what this emptiness is. I was a broken little girl my whole life that i tried to fix by drugs and alcohol. Your words of loneliness, abandonment, no self worth, what did i do wrong, why can’t I make my parents happy, what is wrong with me, how can i fix this, why am i not lovable, etc. have hit my heart. Bless you for caring enough for your fellow humans, that you are willing to hold this space for us to share.
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I am a nurse in a drug rehab and understand you completely and I’m pretty sure you are a stronger person even though at the time it was so very hard to deal with. I treat my patients with compassion and support because to me there are someones mother, father , brother , sister etc. I never had anyone in my family or friends with addiction so I had a big eye opener at first. And yes it is a disease which a lot of people cannot wrap their heads around that fact. I admire your courage to tell your story and wish you a great future. PS. I have been to your show and I think you are fantastic
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Thank you so very much for sharing your story. We have a sisterhood together. I ain’t doing it any longer. Love you girl!
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I have a very similar story. My mother never wanted children. She made it plain to my sister and me about this. I never had a loving, present mother. I can only remember her telling me she lived me times. She passed away in Sept 2021. I didn’t and still haven’t she’d a tear.
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Heather you are AMAZING. I too was in a toxic relationship, not do to addiction but your words ring so true dealing with domestic violence and narcissistic personality disorder of a spouse. I finally had to choose to be healthy and get help for the PTSD that was a result of this relationship. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR HEART!
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I have never been able to pen point where my attitude of having to fix people, go above and beyond to ensure everyone one else was happy and taken care of started or even where these traits come from. I’ve never been able
To describe or put into words about my feelings I had for my mama. I always felt guilty about speaking these feelings , being from the south, raised in church, not honoring your mother sent you to hell! She wasn’t a addict or not a self proclaimed one, she has told us when I was born she was one of those 1960 women on Valium, her best friend at the time did help her through it and she stopped. My mama was a good mama in the sense she did all the mama stuff but not with the
Smile, hugs, and most important any” I love you” “ im proud of you”, no advice ever!! Im 59 years old and to this day I don’t try to get her advice or share much with her. Her “advice” was telling you what you did wrong and you should have known better.. however like your mom EVERYONE loves her!! She is the best thing since slice bread !
As I read your blog my heart was pounding, it’s hard to breath, my bad choices, failed relationships, trying to fix everyone and everything around me became clear. I will have been clean and sober 12 years in 3 days on Feb 12 those 12 years I always told people I thought my addiction stemmed from my abusive relationship of my first marriage of 16 years. Now I realize I allowed myself to stay in that relationship because I thought it’s what I deserved…my life of bad choices, even good choices started a very long time ago at home. You made me realize I NEED A DAMN THERAPIST!! Lol 😂 Thank you for sharing this, I know we may never speak or even meet but your soul just gave my soul a great pep talk🥰 love you.
Vicki Willis, South Georgia born and bred..now living in Williston Florida with a remarkable husband❤️❤️
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OMG. I can’t believe you are writing my story in a blog. But the pain. OMG the pain. The pain.
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Hello! First, let me say Awesome job for sharing such deep and painful truths about where you have been and where you are at in your journey and where your headed!! that took courage, the kind of courage that I have been dancing around but have yet to act on regarding my personal story. Secondly, Thank you for your transparency, being open and honestly speaking your truth feels about as comfortable as sitting down on a chestnut bur! Relatively speaking…and one of the reasons I have held back…however I do respect and admire those like yourself that come forth and share their experience and to plant seeds of hope 💜
…Thank you!! for you are helping me in ways I have no words for at the moment but desperately hope to find.Thank you!!! Heather for sharing your heart- P.S. I have been following your videos from ” I ain’t doin it” and they have pulled me out of some very deep sadness I have been experiencing. Please don’t ever stop making those…for laughter is great medicine and God knows I need alot!! 😇
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Oh Heather. Oh my. You’re so much more than you realize. I am grateful for your continued work and recovery. I believe it is a lifelong journey. You’re making a difference, personally and globally ! Hang tight…..♥️
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Hey Great Starter girl, you are quite the writer, hope someday you consider a book . Many relatable issues., I had to step back from someone and I’m loving from a distance. It was a great decision for me. Love and light and God gets me thru …✝️💚☘️🙏
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This is so much like the story of my life. It seemed like you were reading me like a book. My mother worked in nursing homes, back before they regulated the patients’ medication, and she and some other workers would take home some of the “extra medication.” My mother always loved taking pills. Then she started smoking marijuana, too, when she and my dad got a divorce.
When my mother was only 56-years-old, after she had to stop working in a top veteran’s home, because of the way that some of the patients had been treating her, and she thought she had a broken rib, she went to have an X-Ray. She found out that she had inoperable lung cancer. She passed away 6 months later.
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I read you story and it touched me but my story is different it’s my daughter that is taken the wrong road she is using drugs she has 3 kids 5yrs,2yrs,and a 7 month old it’s killing me what’s she’s doing to her kids . She yelling she leaving them for us to take care of and them crying for her attention or for just a hug from her it breaks my heart the way she is living and doing her own kids . How can you help anyone that won’t help themselves. Sadden by this every day.
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Well first of all this needs to be sponsored by Kleenex.
As I set here. After reading this I can’t seem to stop crying. As tears fall down my face. I feel your pain and wish I could give you a big hug. I’m also crying because of my last several years of what I’ve gone through. I’m excused, I feel broken and alone and with out God I could not have done it. After being in a marriage for 25 years. I decided I had enough. The last several years have been the hardest. when I think back to deciding to leave. I have been abandoned by so many. Because I chose to leave a marriage that I felt had been toxic and emotional draining for years.
I have been all over the place with feeling like I should have just stuck with it to now feeling like was it the right thing to do. My husband still continues to blame me for the marriage to the point of telling me I’m going to hell because I broke a covenant with God. I happen to know God as my father and he is not about that he is full of Grace and I’m thankful for that. when I fall down God helps me up.
But there’s still loneliness. After being a stay at home mom for 17 years of our 25 years. Leaving was not easy. I had nothing and no one to help me. My dad would have been there but my dad was killed in 2001 in car wreck that was caused by my brother in law. That’s a whole different story. But I just didn’t have anyone. My family that I thought had my back Come to find out they turned on me after I left my marriage.
We all have past. And we are learn from what we have been given and if we see what doesn’t work and are able to make changes going forward that’s all we can do.
I’m super proud of you Heather. I adore you and for some reason drawn to you. Which is not easy for me. Ha
I think what you are doing is truly a gift from God and he has given you a platform to speak to people through your Comedy. You are truly a blessing to others
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Thank you for your incredible vulnerability and willingness to trust us with your story! There is so much here for me to relate to and insights that give me opportunities to grow and heal. Thank you for being you, for your life’s journey, for your humor and all the ways you are relatable and how you being life to us in so many ways. Humbly following and grateful for this opportunity.
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I had a Beautiful loving mom and family she held all of us together and when we lost here in 2013 ,Our family went to hell.I got a Divorce from a cheating and abusing man that took Eleven years of going Thur hell to get.The worst part is me and my so call sister that’s not my sister anymore married brothers and had a company together ,She took his side after he locked me in a camper and chocked me until I couldn’t breath twice they cheated me outer of everything.She has put pictures of me on Facebook wrote on them calling me a hoe had my electric shut off calls me all hours of the night even though I have her blocked.I don’t have anything to do with her or none of my so called friends I cut all of them off years ago.Im selling my house going to a different state and not even telling my family we’re I am to have my peace.I know that I have a big heart and this has made me stronger than I have ever been And I thank God for being peace,Love,joy,happiness ,hope and forgiveness in my heart after all these years!
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Thanks for sharing. Addiction, although a disease, is a beast! I recently lost a brother in law to it & have seen the pain it causes. You are so strong & courageous to take a step back & care for yourself..
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You are Soo Awesome and I am soo very proud of all your accomplishments You are soo brave and Such an Awesome rolemodel .I can relate to some of what you are going through . I definitely should have gotten counseling but I didn’t anxiety and depression consumed me I had to get on medications to deal with the loss of all my family my happiness and joy was sucked right out of me . I Didn’t care about nothing or no one basically couldn’t deal with life anymore my world shattered right before my very eyes.. 2 years ago I fought hard to get off those meds because they too were dulling my thoughts and controlling me it was soo much easier to swallow pills than to deal with my sadness and loneliness so I got up one day with a new attitude of what I was going to do and get it done and I pushed myself to do it instead of laying in that bed and feeling sorry for myself. I started cutting those meds in half then after awhile I cut them in quarters then in 1/8ths till I weaned myself off of them I knew I had to do it to get back to my old happy self. Was it easy no it wasn’t am I worth it yes I am and was it hard to do oh yes it was a commitment I had to make for myself God I miss my soulmate and my son and my mom tears still roll everyday am I happy yes I have indeed overcome Some of my fears I still have a long way to go I face them head on and the pills stay in that bottle I never thought I would ever love anyone again after almost 40 yrs of life with my soulmate. My fiancé is remodeling my home and he removed the mattress from the master bedroom and moved everything around in that room and he’s determined this is where we are going to sleep and I can’t do it and I ain’t doing it my soulmate died on that bed in that room when I go in that room my world crumbles it’s a room with Beautiful memories and horrific memories paint doesn’t change it new furniture doesn’t change it new pictures or etc do not change what my mind cannot erase and it’s a passage I can’t get through. This man has brought me soo much joy and happiness in my life and has helped me overcome my sadness. and he makes me smile when I’m having a hard day. Birthdays, holidays, Anniversary days are soo hard to get through they are etched in my mind can’t erase them just have to get through them the best way I can I used to get in the car and just get out of the house and go somewhere and it seemed to help but now I try to stay busy and not dwell on it Soo much.. mind you it doesn’t go away it’s still there. I thank you soo much for following your heart and putting yourself out there you are a Powerful Woman and you have been through soo much and I know without a shadow of doubt this will help Many Women and young ladies who wouldn’t dare put their self out there that need encouragement and someone to let them know we all in this together. This platform is Awesome I cried and cried and finally had to put my phone down cause I definitely can relate to the pain and sadness some of these women are going through. God Bless you Heather for your Courage and your Commitment to overcome your adversities Love you ❤️
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Heather…. You are my soul sister! My mother didn’t have a drug addiction but she had mental problems and was very violent and angry all of the time. More with my older sister who eventually committed suicide, but I was always a witness to her actions. I fight every day trying to break free of the demons who latched on to me from my childhood. I have 5 amazing children who NEVER had to endure what I did. I made their childhood completely opposite of the hell I grew up in. I thank god every day I was able to do that for them. But the struggle I still encounter on a daily basis is real. Been through so many therapist and just cant find anyone who can help me. And if I didn’t have my 5 angels I don’t know if I would still be here myself. So I want to thank you for reaching out to us and for sharing your story. I feel that this community you have made for us is god sent! And I love you for it!! 💕💕
XOXO
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EMDR. Try it. 😃
From the book “the Body Keeps the Score”
Love you!
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I truly can not believe what I just read. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I’ve been struggling with a husband who is/was addicted to porn and has lied to me more times than I can count. We tried counseling but he quit. I feel so alone and confused. I can’t talk about it on fb because only about 5 of my dearest friends know anything has been going on for the past 8 yrs. I also caught him taking pics of other woman…once while he was on a anniversary trip with me that I spent weeks planning. I start counseling and then I feel guilty about the cost but I have to stop feeling that way and convince myself I’m worth it. I’m so confused if I stay or go and am constantly sad. I’m going to get the book you shared and ask for prayers from all my new friends on this site. Thank you Heather! I will be praying for you in your journey!
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