Well, here it is – another beautiful, ugly transitional time in my life. Am I being punked? It’s like I pulled up to the drive-thru window of life and ordered a #2 with a side of instability and mind-numbing fear. And super-size it, please. I wanna make sure I’m really good and full on all this upheaval I’m about to consume. Please don’t leave me wanting. Thanks so much. Lucky for me they put in an extra order of uncertainty and anxiety for the win. YES!!! Thanks, Lord.
Fear and anxiety. Don’t you just love when those two come-a-knocking. They always visit together. They’re sweet like that.
But let me just tell you, the Lord is so kind and good. The truth is that lately, I have been experiencing a sweet season. And I mean, finally!! Good grief, Lord! It’s about time! Most of my transitional times consist of me stepping off into a big pile of dog crap. I’m just keeping it real.This season is rainbows and butterflies if I’m comparing.
But then there it is. That thing that holds me hostage. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the forward movement and the things I can’t control.
Isn’t it funny how the Lord can lay the most beautiful thing in front of us, but we just don’t know how to embrace it. Maybe it’s just me…
I’m finding that, sadly, I don’t always know how to enjoy life, even in the sweet spot.
Enjoy life… ? What is that, even?
Is that allowed?
How do I do that? Can I love life and be a single mom?
Can I relax?
Can I let go of the control?
Can I just…gulp…be?
I can’t, God. I don’t know how. I need to be needed and I need to hold the reins and have the answers. I must be a co-dependent and a martyr. Yes, that’s it! I am a martyr. I am forever a martyr and a victim of circumstance and I have to be forever responsible for everyone and everything and all of life, and I cannot take a break from being all the things to all the people. I cannot enjoy life. Count me out.
I’m exhausted just typing that.
But it’s how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember. And it’s too much for one person to carry.
Here’s what I’m learning in this season of life. I don’t know how to give myself permission to mentally unwind and drop the guard and the fear. Sometimes ! just don’t know how to let Jesus lighten my load. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to just be.
There. I said it.
I carry the junk from the old season straight on into the new.
I carry that backpack full of weight and co-dependency and control and anxiety. And why? It’s not even required!!
And now that I can see the wide-open space to drop that sucker and run free I stand by the fence and hold it tight like it’s the last donut hole I’ll ever get to eat. (Also, why am I constantly comparing everything to food? So disturbing.)
I watch everybody else enjoy life and I stand to the side because I feel undeserving or I feel the responsibility of the thing – whatever it is. I crawl up on that cross day after day and crucify myself and try to do a job that’s already been done.
See, I’m not a victim and I’m not a martyr, but I sure do act like one. I get up on that cross and sacrifice everything I’ve got because it’s what I’ve always done. I act like everything will fall apart if I don’t have all the answers. And when that self-inflicted weight gets too heavy to carry I fall apart.
I forget how to enjoy life. I forget to see the beauty that’s right in front of my face sometimes. I forget that I don’t have to have all the answers and all the control. It’s ok to say, “You know what, I don’t know what’s coming next, but God does. And that enough.”
I see transition, but he sees promise.
I see fear of the unknown. He sees fun and excitement.
I see difficulty. He sees another opportunity to show me His faithfulness.
Sometimes we have to just drop the backpack and run the field.
I’m learning.
Stop.
Enjoy life.
Go play.
If we don’t, we might be missing the greatest game ever.
I don’t wanna miss the fun, y’all.
I wanna walk in the joy and the goodness and run in the freedom that comes with trusting God.
We belong to Jesus. We don’t have all the answers but He does.
So drop your backpack, finish your donut hole and go enjoy life.
Relax.
Trust.
And for goodness’ sake, get down off that cross.
Somebody needs the wood.
HEATHER LAND 
I think you just wrote this about me (I can’t even with this) it’s my life right now and I am drowning. How did I get here, where do I go from here, how do I put me back together along with making sure my people don’t fall apart as well. Thanks for being real and for the daily laughs!!!
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This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!! You are amazing. God bless you and your family!
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Good gracious friend…..you are speaking my life. 😳 Why is it so easy for some to “enjoy life” and so hard for others? ✋🏻 Grrr. Today I will send prayers, thoughts and hugs to you that your day will be full of beautiful moments of letting go, with peace, as you fall into His arms! Love you!
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This is such a good reminder. I’m older and my kiddos are up and out but I so remember the overwhelming feelings of being responsible for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. These feelings are hard enough to overcome when you KNOW you have Jesus. Can you imagine how intense it is for those without? Your blog has such an awesome way of pointing us to Father. Thanks Girl!
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I so needed to hear this today. From here forward I will drop that backpack and run in the fields, and yes, trust God, he’s got this!
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Wow Heather! Just wow!! I finished reading this with goose bumps and tears in my eyes. How perfectly said. You spoke directly into my heart today. Much love to you, girl…much love!!!
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This Blog blessed me so much today. Get off the cross, someone needs the wood. AHAHAHA> You’re adorable, funny and Real. God is using you for Such a time as this….And I needed to read these words today. XOXO
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Heather, you are such an inspiration to others. You NEED to enjoy life and the donut hole!! Practice what you preach… I know, easier said then done but you deserve to be happy, to relax, and to be open to all that God has in store for you and your kids. YOU bring a smile to my face each and every time I listen to your videos. YOU make me pause for just a moment and learn something from every post you publish. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us. God bless you.
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Yasss! True story!! In the same boat (and feeling like I am up the creek without a paddle!) God knows and see’s the light at the end of the tunnel even when we don’t! Perfect words girl! Hang on and hang in there! Enjoy the ride (and the donut hole!) 🙏🏼✌🏼
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Heather are you my spirit animal? I mean, seriously? Or are we twins, just sayin? But you know Jesus came to set us all free. And don’t you just think that that stupid ol’ evil one, just wants us to look at the distraction, and not at the divine?
Praying for all us girls who struggle…I just wish sometimes, I could let go and let God… Thanks for all your thoughts on the matter. And oh yeah…donut holes have no calories…I have that on good authority!
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So often your comments seem to look inside by soul and see the real me. The mask stays in place often, but alone, I know the real me with the fear and anxiety. Thanks for reminding us that only the Lord is sufficient in our weakness and we should “get over it.” You bless me!
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Oh Heather!!! You are such a fresh donut in this (w)hole of life! Thank you, thank you for your questioning and refreshing outlook. God has blessed you in so many ways so you can bless me and all of the other people who need your humor and humility.
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This is so good! Thank you for sharing this raw and geniune post. So great to be reminded that no matter the fear and anxiety we may deal with we have a father who we can always cast these burdens on and he can take the reign! Perfect love casts out fear. Thank you for sharing, you bring so much truth and joy to many! Always know that!
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I can so relate to this, as this is my life now and the way it’s been for as long as I can remember. I am the oldest daughter of 6 kids in my family (3rd born) and I am known as the fixer. I don’t remember when it started as it seems my whole life has always been this way. I married young at 18 and my husband is the oldest of 9 kids, I am older by 4 months. I have always been everybody’s shoulder to cry and lean on, I was always the one both sides called when they needed something. My husbands family ranged from 2-13 years of age when we met. I watched them grow up, I took care of them through all their childhood, their teenage years, through their Mom’s passing of breast cancer all while taking care of my own family. Currently I am taking care of my 86 year old mother, my youngest brother who is fighting skin cancer, plus my own 3 grown children and 9 grandchildren. They all live on their own but it’s me they come to with every problem and I am always there for them, and always feel like I have to do whatever I can to fix what needs fixing. I recently had my own health scare, and tried every way I could think of to get out of going to the hospital and if I hadn’t gone when I did I wouldn’t be writing this right now.
I act the martyr too, even when I try not to, I think it’s permanently in my DNA. People told me I needed to start putting myself first, during my hospital stay, but I couldn’t do it even then. I worried about how my Mom and my brother were going to take my being sick on top of everything else. I worried about my husband (40 years of marriage) who drives truck over the road, trying to get to me. I couldn’t even put myself first then, I had bilateral pulmonary embolisms, (blood clots in both lungs) and even after the doctors told me how serious my condition was I never, not once, let it show that I was scared. I will be on blood thinners for a long time and it could take a year or more for me to feel “normal” again.
So I totally get holding on to that last donut hole like I’ll never see another one. I hope one day I can live life , go play, have fun and get off the cross and let someone else have the wood.
Thanks, for the laughs, it truly is the best medicine and maybe,just maybe, on day I can say “l ain’t doin it”.
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Wow Heather !!! Yep , that’s so me and then some ! Fear and anxiety have been my companions for many years. I’m not sure I even know what joy is !
I love what you said , I have to remember to ” get off that cross” as well !
Thanks Heather !
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I’m loving you BIG time right now. Just to let you know, I think you’re doing lots of things right. You make my day ALL of the time!! 😘
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You are inspiring so many!!!! thank you, thank you, thank you! you entered my life at the lowest, and you’ve helped me survive some tough days! Keep it coming!
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Oh Heather,
I am right there with ya Sister…..still learning. You read that right out of my brain.
And ya know putting things in terms of “food”, well it is just something we all understand Lol…….
And I have taken more than my fair share of the wood too.
You are amazing !!!!! Love ya !!!!
Love, Naomi….your OKC “focus person” Lol good times !!!!!
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Wow, not only have you covered most of my life, but all these others feel the same way. The Lord has been dealing with me & teaching me a lot about this very thing the last few years & I am better but not totally there. He has taught me so much through all these years & doesn’t seem to mind keeping on. It helps to see it isn’t just me. Thanks! So enjoy your videos.
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This is so ME! Well spoken and I know there are a lot of us out here, just like you.
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Girl, I think you are my twin. You are all up in my thoughts and life. Love your humor and honesty. I’m a work in progress and know the good Lord just wants to slap me up side the head when I try to take control back from him. He knows I am one stubborn women. Keeps speaking the truth girl! Now let’s go have some fun 💗
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Thanks for sharing I have people ask me often “how can you be upbeat and positive all the time” I just grin and say thanks I try But my mind is SCREAMING “cause that’s what you need me to be” my need to uplift others and help them see the positive is what takes me thru this life… until… I get hurt and my expectations of others is not met. My mom told me long ago you will be hurt if you think others have the same heart as you .. they don’t! My sweet Jesus is teaching me it is ok to love others and be there for them but I also must care for me or there won’t be someone for them to rely on and depend on and comfort.. helping others is what I do and Jesus will give me what I need to do that.. I’m convinced ♥️ I enjoy your outlook on things
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I could barely read through my tears! I’m so thankful for having seen this post because it is exactly what I needed! I’ve been clinging by a thread because this last year has been the most difficult of my life. Thank you for sharing your struggles, they are mine as well. It is such a comfort to know I’m not alone.
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What you said is exactly what I feel every day. I just lack the incredible talent you have to say it so well.😎
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This has been me in the near recent past! I’ve had to ask God to help me relax and enjoy the blessings He has given me. God has given me a good life and it would be such an injustice to let it all pass me by for fear of the unknown.
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Thank you Heather!!!! You have blessed me today. I find myself in the same spot and I have GOT to remember that God sees the BIG picture and I need to trust that He will ALWAYS have my back. I need to enjoy the good that my life is and stop worrying about the “WHAT IFS”! I tend to be a control freak and when you try and control EVERY THING, life will get exhausting!!! THANK YOU for sharing your heart with a “side of humor”…..
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All these anxieties are like mountains. Jesus says there’s peace on the other side which you can’t see. I don’t believe it. Why would I believe him, he’s not in my circumstance? He says, “I ain’t up in this helicopter for nothing, you know! I got the advantage so use me, for Pete’s sake!” Run the field!
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Heather! You just described me too. To a tea!!! But even as I read it, from my point of view, you are so much better off than you think … you have a true gift!!! You make us all take a minute and laugh, at all the stupid mundane stuff we all deal with on a daily basis!!!! You are amazing!!! One day at a time!!!💚💚💚
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AMEN 🙏🏻
🌸 =^.,.^= 🌸
>
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Thank you Heather for being real and helping so many others see themselves in what you have described. You are an inspiration to me and many others through you “let’s get real” dialogue. I love how you put it all out there. God showed me years ago that He created me a to be a Human Being, not a Human Doing. There is freedom in being, being in His presence and sheltering under His abiding wings. The acknowledgement of all the “stuff” that hurts, hinders, and keeps us hostage is so present in your words. We are right there with you sister. Thank you for making a difference in my life.
A sign at the automatic car wash says, “Car in Park, Hands off Steering Wheel, Foot off Brake”; that really sums it up for me. If I can do that, then God can keep me on the right path of His choosing. He’s got us, we just have to let go…..Keep the posts coming. You are being used for good. Much Love and Prayers coming your way.
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Good word girlfriend
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I’m with you…so move over cos I’m going to need to be beside you on that cross. I have the hardest time letting go and letting things go and let somebody else worry about something… It’s just not in May it’s not who I am. I know God got this without a doubt in my mind so why don’t we do this to ourselves? I guess we are both just works in progress. Will just keep on trying. Thank you for your honesty and for making me smile. Hugs!
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I felt like I was looking in the mirror as I read. Your testimony is beautifully written and straight from the heart.
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Oh my… you have been watching my life for the last 40 years, haven’t you? We all have something that haunts is and holds us back if we let it. And it isn’t always pretty…. thank you for your honesty and vulnerability! God IS faithful!
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I was there at one time. I lived with all of it. Every time I would try to take it to the cross I picked it back up when I left. Odd, huh? One day my life changed when I got nerve damage in my back from surgery. Whoa! I had to slow down to take care of me (a first for me because everyone else came 1st) and it’s been a hard lesson. I’m still changing and it’s been 8 years. The last 2 of those years have been focused on me. Not that I even realized it until recently. I’m slowly stepping into the light and onto the open field. I’m learning and God is my strength.
Now that I have completely forgot where I was going with this…. lol I just want to remind those who are where you are and where I was, to breath, say a prayer, even if it’s just a whisper, and let go.
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Today I prayed for open doors to a new life for someone I love with all my heart…my grandson. Your message was sent from God straight to my heart. Thank you for your truth, sensitivity and humor to help us through dark days. Keep ’em coming…they are priceless! Love love 💘.
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I sure do enjoy watching you it is funny thank you for saying my thoughts
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Thank you for being so real and sharing. I am struggling. I want to lay it at the cross but, like you, I don’t know how. I love the Lord. I get so mad at myself for not having enough faith in HIM. Ugh.
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That up there👆🏻
Me….my life. In words I could never have written so well, actually I’ve been trying to figure myself out for awhile now and you just did. So thank you!! Thank you! Thank you!! Now maybe I can work on this.
So grateful you happened on my Facebook page….you’re funny as all get out girl and I LOVE your blog!
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I think it’s the life that anyone who will dare admit it lives!! There are the certain few that won’t admit, but they have just as much fear and anxiety as the rest of do. They’re just better liars. hahaha Hang in there. I can’t say it will get better, but I can say with certainty, that you are not alone!! Thanks for sharing and speaking up. Been there, done that, and revisit fear and anxiety from time to time. hahaha hugs, patty
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You hit the proverbial nail on the head. We all feel this one time or another. Or all the time! God Bless you and hang on tight because you are still young and it ain’t over!
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I am 65 years old, married, with grandchildren and feel this way. You are real, and I love that. God bless you.
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So good and so needed!!! This is my current season in life. I’m telling my kids, “Don’t let the enemy/circumstances/the mean neighbor kid steal your joy” and I’m practically giving it away. Thanks for the well needed kick in the seat!! I’m headed to Dunkin’ right now.
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Isn’t this so true?! It’s a struggle to move past the fear and see the bigger, beautiful picture. My small group read a book last year called “Crash the Chatterbox” and it talks about this exactly. You should looks into it. It’s an easy read and sooooo insightful! Good luck to you!
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We must be soul sista’s cause I am right there with you girlfriend!
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Oddly enough, I’ve had several people ask me if I’m the I ain’t doing it girl. No, of course not…lol… Then I read this and I think, wow, I kind of am. Xoxo
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That’s why I Peter 5:7 is there, cuz we don’t remember! 💕
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Have you been peeking in my window? Because it sounds like you’re describing my life. I rarely leave my house anymore. It rears it’s ugly head worse in the middle of a sleepless night, so I grab my bible and start reading Psalms. Some days I think “Lord, why am I here?” I lay down my baggage and keep picking it back up although I don’t want to.
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Needed. This. THANK YOU
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I am currently going through a divorce and have a son that I am trying my best to raise the best I can. I have these feelings as you said and it is a tough thing to deal with day in and out but you help me each day and I hope one day God says to me Angie it’s time to be the happy lady and mother you once were. Thank you Heather land for this it touched like no other.
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